Hobby— Part 1 採点レポート

提案: Be more concise and natural: give a clear topic sentence, a brief reason, and a plan. Avoid repetition (“really really”) and run-on structure. Use one linking phrase to connect ideas (e.g., because, so, but).

例: I enjoy Pilates, but I haven't had time recently because I'm preparing for this exam. However, I plan to resume it once the test is over so I can rebuild the habit and improve my fitness.

提案: Clarify tense and pronouns, remove hesitations, and be specific about what you did and what you learned. Start with a clear topic sentence, then give a brief example and result. Use linking words like “so” or “then.”

例: As a child, I loved writing short stories and often showed them to my parents and classmates for feedback. After their comments, I would revise my work to improve the plot and characters, which helped me become a better writer.

提案: Correct small grammar errors and tighten the response. Use one or two linking phrases and more precise vocabulary (e.g., “learned to swim,” “monthly”). Keep it within 3–4 sentences and avoid repetitive adjectives.

例: Yes, I learned to swim in elementary school, and I still go once a month because I enjoy the feeling of being supported by the water. In summer, swimming is especially refreshing and helps me cool down and relax.

提案: Be concise and provide a specific detail or example of how you share the hobby. Remove filler language like “I feel like” and correct place names if needed. Use a linking phrase to show frequency or purpose.

例: Yes, my father also enjoys swimming, so we often go together to the local sports center. It’s a good chance for us to spend quality time and catch up while exercising.

× I used to enjoy doing Pilates but recently I've been busy preparing for this exam so I don't really have time, but I will really really want to pick it back up as a habit when I finish this test.

✓ I used to enjoy doing Pilates, but recently I've been busy preparing for this exam so I don't really have time. However, I really want to pick it back up as a habit when I finish this test.

The original contains an incorrect future-tense construction 'will really really want to pick it back up.' Want is a stative verb and is normally expressed in simple present to show desire ('I really want'). Using 'will' with 'want' here is unnatural and unnecessary. Also the sentence is long and needs punctuation to separate ideas. Suggestion: use 'I really want to pick it back up' and split into two sentences for clarity. Grammar problem type ID: 7

× When I was young, I used to enjoy writing stories on the paper and I would show them to my parents and classmates to get their feedback. And I will. I would, umm, adjust my writing to make him more, make it better.

✓ When I was young, I used to enjoy writing stories on paper and I would show them to my parents and classmates to get their feedback. I would then adjust my writing to make it better.

There are several problems: 'on the paper' is unidiomatic; use 'on paper' or just 'writing stories' (preposition error: ID 11). 'And I will.' is out of place and incorrect for past habitual actions (future tense error: ID 7). 'I would, umm, adjust my writing to make him more, make it better.' uses 'him' incorrectly (incorrect pronoun: ID 12) and the phrase is awkward. Also redundant 'would' is acceptable for past habitual but keep consistent. Suggested corrections: remove 'the' before 'paper', remove 'And I will.', replace 'make him more' with 'make it better.' Grammar problem type ID: 5

× Yes, I learned how to swims when I was in elementary school and I still go swimming every month because I really like the feeling of being supported and surrounded by the water. And the summer it is especially refreshing and cool to soak in the water.

✓ Yes, I learned how to swim when I was in elementary school and I still go swimming every month because I really like the feeling of being supported and surrounded by water. In summer it is especially refreshing and cool to soak in the water.

Multiple issues: 'learned how to swims' has incorrect verb form 'swims' — should be base form 'swim' after 'learned how to' (verb form error: ID 8/9; choose ID 8 for -ing? Actually base form so use verb form error under 8/9; using preposition list, primary issues are verb form and articles/prepositions). 'Surrounded by the water' is unnatural in general contexts; omit 'the' to say 'surrounded by water' (article error: ID 22/11). 'And the summer it is especially...' has incorrect word order and unnecessary article; corrected to 'In summer it is especially...' (sentence structure/adjective placement: ID 26/18). Suggestions: use 'learned how to swim', remove 'the' before 'water', and rephrase the seasonal clause as 'In summer...'. Grammar problem type ID: 5

× Yes, my father also enjoys swimming. We usually go to the nearest UH work Sports Center in our town and I feel like this is really a nice time together with him.

✓ Yes, my father also enjoys swimming. We usually go to the nearest UH Work Sports Center in our town and I feel like we really have a nice time together.

Problems: 'UH work Sports Center' may be a proper name but 'work' should be capitalized if part of the name; otherwise unclear (article/capitalization issue: ID 22). 'I feel like this is really a nice time together with him' is awkward: 'this is really a nice time together with him' uses 'this' and 'with him' redundantly and nonidiomatically. Better: 'we really have a nice time together.' Suggestion: present the proper name correctly and use natural phrasing 'we have a nice time together.' Grammar problem type ID: 22