Hobby— Part 1 採点レポート

提案: Cải thiện tính tự nhiên, chính xác và mạch lạc: tránh tiếng lặp (“piece piece”), giảm tiếng ừ ừ, hoàn thành câu chưa kết thúc và thêm liên kết rõ ràng giữa các ý. Cụ thể: mở đầu bằng câu chủ đề rõ ràng, giải thích lý do với chi tiết cụ thể (thể loại bạn thích, ví dụ cuốn sách), dùng từ nối như “because”, “for example” và kết thúc câu hoàn chỉnh. Ngoài ra giữ độ dài không quá 4–5 câu.

例: Yes, I have several hobbies, but my favourite is reading. I enjoy reading because it helps me relax and clear my mind. For example, I often read contemporary fiction and self‑help books to learn new ideas. Reading also improves my vocabulary and helps me think more creatively.

提案: Cải thiện ngữ pháp, loại bỏ lỗi lặp từ và thêm chi tiết cụ thể: sửa thì (ví dụ dùng quá khứ đơn), tránh lặp và mô tả cụ thể hoàn cảnh (nơi bạn đi, ai cùng bạn). Dùng liên từ như “and” hoặc “so” để nối ý. Giữ câu ngắn, rõ ràng và đầy đủ.

例: Yes, I rode my bike a lot when I was a child. I had a pink bicycle that I used to ride every afternoon around my neighborhood with my friends. Riding was great exercise and it also helped me feel free and confident. I especially enjoyed cycling to the park on weekends.

提案: Làm rõ và phát triển ý với từ vựng chính xác: tránh tiếng ngập ngừng, dùng danh từ đúng (feelings, colours), nêu ví dụ cụ thể về loại tranh và tần suất, và sử dụng từ nối để mạch lạc. Tránh câu mơ hồ như “help me learn what color it is”.

例: Yes, I have enjoyed drawing since childhood. Drawing helped me express my feelings and develop my creativity, especially when I painted landscapes and portraits. For instance, I used to spend hours sketching at home every weekend. Over time it also improved my understanding of colour and composition.

提案: Tăng tính mạch lạc và chính xác: sửa cấu trúc câu (Me and my sister → My sister and I), kết nối các ý bằng từ nối (for example, as a result), cung cấp chi tiết cụ thể như thời lượng luyện tập hoặc thể loại nhạc bạn chơi, và tránh câu ngắn vụn không hoàn chỉnh.

例: My sister and I both enjoy playing the piano, and we often practise together. Playing the piano helps me express emotions and relax after a busy day. For example, I usually practise classical pieces for about 30 minutes each evening, which has also improved my concentration and discipline.

× I enjoy reading because it lets me piece piece my mind and calm me down as well.

✓ I enjoy reading because it helps me clear my mind and calm me down as well.

'Piece piece my mind' is not correct English. The intended meaning is likely 'clear my mind.' Use the verb phrase 'help + object + base verb' (helps me clear) or 'let(s) me clear' for the effect of the activity. Suggestions: Replace the incorrect phrase with 'clear my mind' and use 'helps me clear' to match subject-verb agreement with 'it.'

× I could get new knowledge throughout this process.

✓ I can gain new knowledge through this process.

'Could get' is awkward and 'get' is less precise. For a habitual or general truth about reading, use present tense 'can' or 'can gain' and 'through' instead of 'throughout' which implies duration. 'Gain' is a better verb collocation with 'knowledge.'

× Reading can also.

✓ Reading can also help me relax.

The sentence is incomplete and lacks a verb and object. Provide a complete clause such as 'Reading can also help me relax' to convey the intended meaning. Suggestion: Always ensure sentences have a main verb and object/complement.

× Yes, when I was young, I my hobby was to go and ride my bike.

✓ Yes, when I was young, my hobby was riding my bike.

The sentence has an extra pronoun 'I' and an awkward infinitive structure. Use a gerund 'riding' after 'hobby was' for natural phrasing. Remove redundant words.

× I remember owning a pink bike which I use it every afternoon.

✓ I remember owning a pink bike which I used every afternoon.

This sentence mixes tenses and includes a redundant pronoun 'it' after a relative clause. Since the speaker talks about childhood, use past tense 'used' and omit the extra 'it.' Alternatively: 'I used it every afternoon.'

× It helps me exercise my body as well as well as well.

✓ It helped me exercise my body as well.

Repetition 'as well as well as well' is incorrect. Also, because the context is past ('when I was young'), use past tense 'helped.' Use a single 'as well' to add meaning. Suggestion: Keep tense consistent with context.

× Yes, I do have a hobby. When I was young it was drawing.

✓ Yes, I do have a hobby. When I was young, it was drawing.

This sentence is acceptable but needs a comma after 'When I was young' for clarity. No major grammar error beyond punctuation. Suggestion: Add comma for natural pause.

× Drawing allows me to express my feeling as well, umm uh, show my creativity and help me learn what color it is.

✓ Drawing allows me to express my feelings, show my creativity, and help me learn about colors.

Use plural 'feelings'; remove filler words 'umm uh'; parallel structure requires all verbs in same form ('express', 'show', 'help'); 'learn what color it is' is awkward—use 'learn about colors.'

× Yes, me and my sister both enjoy playing the piano.

✓ Yes, my sister and I both enjoy playing the piano.

Use subject pronoun 'I' rather than object form 'me' and place 'I' last in the subject list as a polite convention. Also 'my sister and I' is grammatically correct.

× Playing the piano allows me to express my emotions through music as well. I can calm myself down by listening to the melodies. Also focus on my concentration skills. So yeah.

✓ Playing the piano allows me to express my emotions through music as well. I can calm myself down by listening to the melodies and improve my concentration skills.

The fragment 'Also focus on my concentration skills.' is missing a subject and verb. Combine sentences to maintain flow and use 'improve my concentration skills' for clarity. Remove informal filler 'So yeah.'