Work— Part 1 採点レポート

提案: Be more concise and grammatically correct. Start with a clear topic sentence (I am a working woman) then give one or two specific supporting details using correct tense and linking words. Avoid fillers (uh, um) and correct word order (I opened/ I run a beauty salon).

例: I’m a working woman. I run a beauty salon that I opened because it has been my childhood dream, and I’m pleased to have achieved this goal at a relatively young age.

提案: Give a direct simple answer, then add one clear detail. Use correct prepositions (in/at) and clearer phrasing instead of vague words like 'near 1 shop'.

例: I work in my hometown in the city centre. My beauty salon is located on a busy street close to the market.

提案: Answer directly and support with specific reasons. Use correct grammar (it provides fresh air, it’s peaceful) and linking words (because, for example). Avoid repetition.

例: Yes, it’s a great place to work because it’s peaceful and has fresh air, which helps me and my clients feel relaxed during treatments.

提案: Start with a clear statement and give one or two concise reasons. Use correct grammar and connect ideas with linking words (because, so). Avoid word-for-word repetitions and incorrect phrases (I don’t like crowded areas; crowds distract me).

例: Yes, I like my workplace because it is quiet and not crowded. Because of this calm atmosphere I can concentrate better and my clients enjoy a relaxing experience.

提案: Provide a clear, organized response: state the main plan, then one or two specific steps. Use correct expressions (go abroad, settle down, open a beauty business abroad) and correct grammar. Keep it concise and coherent with linking words (first, then).

例: My main plan is to go abroad and settle there. After that I want to open a beauty salon overseas and expand my business by offering specialized treatments.

× I'm not a student, I am a working woman. Uh, I, uh, open the shop, uh, is uh, beautician shop because it's my childhood dream and I think is complete to achieve to goal, uh, in my young age.

✓ I'm not a student; I am a working woman. I run a beautician shop because it has been my childhood dream, and I think I have fulfilled that goal at a young age.

The original has several structure and verb problems: 'open the shop' is incorrect for current habitual action (use 'run' or 'own'), 'is uh, beautician shop' lacks articles and correct word order, and 'I think is complete to achieve to goal' has wrong verb forms and missing subjects. Use present simple for current occupation ('I run'), present perfect to show completion ('I have fulfilled'), and include articles ('a beautician shop'). Also combine clauses more clearly.

× I do work in my city, my hometown, near 1 shop. It's my, uh, beautician shop.

✓ I work in my city, my hometown, near a shop. It's my beautician shop.

Use of 'do work' is unnecessary—simple present 'I work' is correct. 'near 1 shop' should use the article 'a' and the numeral replaced with a word. Remove filler words. Preposition 'in my city, my hometown' is acceptable but redundant; keep both if intended.

× Yes, definitely it is a very good place for work because uh it's provide a peaceful, uh and uh provide air fresh and it's more uh, it's uh, very peace type.

✓ Yes, definitely. It is a very good place to work because it provides a peaceful atmosphere and fresh air; it is very peaceful.

'provide' needs third-person singular agreement 'provides'. 'air fresh' should be 'fresh air'. 'place for work' is better as 'place to work'. 'very peace type' is ungrammatical; use 'very peaceful' or 'a peaceful place'.

× Of course I would like to place work is peaceful place and I'm not like a crowd area because crowd area your mind destruction and not if we would work in peaceful place and they will easily to work and that's why I love place where work.

✓ Of course I like my workplace because it is peaceful. I do not like crowded areas because crowds distract the mind. If we work in a peaceful place, we can concentrate more easily, and that's why I love the place where I work.

Original misuses pronouns and articles and has unclear subjects ('place work is peaceful place'). 'I'm not like a crowd area' should be 'I do not like crowded areas'. 'your mind destruction' is incorrect; use 'crowds distract the mind'. Tense and modality fixed to match general preferences (present simple).

× There are many work plan in my future but in which most plan in my future is a I go to abroad and settle easily life and open to business in a broad beautician.

✓ I have many work plans for the future, but my main plan is to go abroad, settle there, and open a beauty salon.

Many structural issues: 'There are many work plan' should be 'I have many work plans' (plural and possessive). 'go to abroad' should be 'go abroad' or 'go to another country'. 'settle easily life' is incorrect—use 'settle there' or 'settle down'. 'open to business in a broad beautician' is unclear; intended meaning is 'open a beauty salon' or 'start a beauty business abroad'. Rephrase to clear, concise future plans.