Work— Part 1 採点レポート

提案: Make your answer more concise and clearer. Start with a direct topic sentence (I am both a student and a part-time worker), then give one or two specific supporting details (what you study and where you work). Avoid unclear phrases and filler words (e.g. “um”, “that is just like”, “in UMM”). Keep to up to 3–4 sentences and use linking words such as “and” or “but” for coherence.

例: I am both a student and a part‑time worker. I am doing a Master’s in Information Technology at Kaplan Business School, and I work in before‑and‑after school care looking after children. It is quite hectic to combine both, but I enjoy my job.

提案: Give a clear, structured answer: state your main role, mention the place, and briefly explain duties or a contrast (e.g. educator vs coordinator). Avoid hesitation and informal fillers. Use linking words like “sometimes” and “however” and keep to 2–3 concise sentences.

例: I work at Lismore Primary School as an educator in the before‑ and after‑school care. Sometimes I take on the coordinator role, which involves more planning and administration; however, I usually prefer the educator role because I enjoy direct work with the children.

提案: Answer directly and support with two specific reasons (work atmosphere and pay). Use clear linking words (“because”, “and”) and avoid vague phrases like “vibes” or repetition. Keep to 2–3 sentences and be specific about what makes the atmosphere positive.

例: Yes, it is a very good place to work because the staff are supportive and the atmosphere is positive. I also receive a competitive pay rate as an educator, and I earn an extra $5 per hour when I act as a coordinator.

提案: Be concise and focus on one or two clear reasons why you like the workplace. Avoid confusing phrases (e.g. “not just because of financial instability”) and reduce hesitations. Use linking words (“because”, “and”) and give a specific explanation of how the job relates to your goals.

例: Yes, I love working there because the role fits my education background and allows me to work with children, which is my dream. The job makes me happy and helps me gain relevant experience for my future career.

提案: Provide a clear, well‑structured plan: state your goal, describe the concrete steps you are taking, and mention any secondary plans. Avoid repetition and unclear grammar. Use linking words like “to”, “so”, and “also” and keep to 3–4 sentences with specific actions (e.g., gaining registration, further study, creating educational content).

例: I plan to become a high‑school mathematics teacher and I am working towards that by completing the necessary degrees and applying for teacher registration. At the same time, I am considering starting a YouTube channel to share math lessons and build my teaching portfolio.

× Actually I am both a student and a part time worker.

✓ Actually I am both a student and a part-time worker.

Use the hyphenated compound adjective 'part-time' before a noun. This is an article/word-formation issue; hyphenating clarifies meaning and is the standard form.

× I'm working in our service where I look after kids in before and after school care that is just like the care of her kids and in UMM and I'm doing my masters degree in Information Technology at Kaplan Business College.

✓ I work in our service where I look after kids in before- and after-school care, which is like looking after their children, and I am doing my master's degree in Information Technology at Kaplan Business College.

Use simple present 'I work' for habitual activities rather than 'I'm working'. Use 'before- and after-school care' with hyphens and a suspended hyphen for concision. Use 'their' not 'her' to match referent and 'master's' with apostrophe for degree. This fixes tense, hyphenation, pronoun and possessive errors.

× It is quite hectic to do both the things at the same time but I love my job.

✓ It is quite hectic to do both things at the same time, but I love my job.

Remove the definite article 'the' before 'things' because 'both things' does not require 'the'. Also add a comma before 'but' for clarity.

× I'm working in Lismore Primary School as an educator in Oshkosh where I have to look after kids in before and after school care.

✓ I work at Lismore Primary School as an educator in OSHC where I look after kids in before- and after-school care.

Use 'work' for habitual activity. Use 'at' with school, use 'OSHC' (or 'out-of-school-hours care') or keep 'before- and after-school care' hyphenated. Maintain consistent hyphenation.

× Sometime I'm working as a coordinator also.

✓ Sometimes I also work as a coordinator.

Use 'sometimes' for frequency and 'also' in a natural position. Use simple present for habitual action.

× Umm, and coordinators work is quite, uh, hard as compared to the educator work.

✓ Umm, and the coordinator's work is quite hard compared to the educator's work.

Add the definite article and possessive apostrophe to form 'coordinator's' and 'educator's' to show the work belongs to those roles. 'As compared to' is wordy; 'compared to' is clearer.

× Umm, but I just probably go to the educators work because I think, uh, it's very easy for me.

✓ Umm, but I probably prefer the educator's role because I think it's much easier for me.

'Go to the educator's work' is awkward; use 'prefer the educator's role'. Add possessive and simplify adverbs. Use simple present 'prefer' to state preference.

× Yes, it's a very good place to work there and the area, the vibes are very positive in that side.

✓ Yes, it's a very good place to work, and the area and the vibes are very positive there.

Avoid redundant 'there' and incorrect 'in that side'. Use 'there' at the end or 'in that area' if needed. Reorder for natural English.

× The next thing that I would like to share is the salary.

✓ The next thing I would like to mention is the salary.

'Share' is acceptable but 'mention' is more natural here. This is an article/word-choice suggestion to improve clarity.

× I'm getting a very good pay rate in there as an educator and when I'm working as a coordinator, I'm getting $5 extra as a coordinator.

✓ I get a very good pay rate there as an educator, and when I work as a coordinator I receive an extra $5.

Use simple present 'I get' and 'I receive' for regular facts. Remove redundant 'as a coordinator' at the end and place 'there' correctly.

× So it's a very good.

✓ So it's very good.

'Very good' doesn't need the indefinite article. This fixes sentence structure and article usage.

× Yes, I love the workplace where I'm working because, uh, the background is totally relevant to my degrees, umm, which is uh, educations degree.

✓ Yes, I love the workplace where I work because the background is totally relevant to my degree in education.

Use 'where I work' rather than 'where I'm working' for habitual situation. Use singular 'degree' and correct 'education' adjective form. Remove filler words for clarity.

× And here I'm working with children.

✓ And here I work with children.

Use simple present 'I work' for habitual actions rather than present continuous.

× That is my dream to work with children all the time.

✓ It has always been my dream to work with children.

Rephrase to a natural English structure; use 'has always been' for a long-standing aspiration and avoid 'all the time' which sounds odd.

× So I love to work there not just because of financial instability to become, to make myself happy for all the day.

✓ So I love working there not just for the financial benefits but because it makes me happy all day.

Original sentence used 'financial instability' incorrectly; likely meant 'financial reasons' or 'financial benefits'. Rephrase for clarity and fix adjective/adverb usage.

× My basically my future work plans is to become a high school mathematics professor and I'm also working towards that.

✓ Basically, my future work plan is to become a high school mathematics teacher, and I'm working towards that.

Remove duplicate 'my', use 'plan' (singular) with 'is', and 'teacher' is more natural than 'professor' for high school. Adjust verb agreement.

× I got my all degrees just to work get a registration for that.

✓ I have obtained all my degrees to get registration for that.

Use present perfect 'have obtained' for completed actions relevant now. Correct word order 'all my degrees' and 'to get registration' (omit 'a' before 'registration').

× And for to get the registration I just need, I'll just set I'm working on it.

✓ To get the registration I still need to complete some requirements, and I'm working on it.

Original is ungrammatical. Provide clear structure: state what is needed and that the speaker is working on it.

× And alongside with that, I'm also thinking to become a YouTube.

✓ And alongside that, I'm also thinking of becoming a YouTuber.

Use 'alongside that' not 'alongside with', 'thinking of becoming' is correct, and 'YouTuber' is the noun for someone who creates YouTube videos.