Work— Part 1 採点レポート

提案: Make the answer more concise and natural: start with a clear topic sentence (I am not working; I plan to be a student in Australia), then add one specific reason. Avoid repetition and minor grammar errors (say “in Australia” not “at Australia”).

例: I’m not working at the moment; I’m applying for a student visa to study engineering in Australia. I want to study there because their universities have strong engineering programs and good industry connections.

提案: Answer directly and briefly, then add a specific detail with a linking phrase. Use natural collocations (e.g., “support myself” not “accommodate myself”).

例: I don’t work right now. However, I hope to find a part-time job in Australia so I can support myself and live in a comfortable environment while I study.

提案: Be more specific and relevant to ‘place to work.’ Give one clear reason and a brief example; avoid irrelevant personal anecdotes unless clearly linked. Improve coherence by using linking words (e.g., “because” then “for example”).

例: Yes, I think Australia is a good place to work because there are many opportunities in engineering and good workplace standards. For example, several acquaintances who studied there later found good engineering jobs.

提案: Start with a brief direct response and then give two specific qualities you want, using linking words. Avoid redundancy (e.g., “kind” and “kind-hearted” together).

例: I haven’t started working yet, but I would like a workplace that is friendly and supportive. I also value a vibrant atmosphere and strong ethical practices because those help me learn and feel motivated.

提案: Organize the answer into a clear sequence: short topic sentence about immediate plans, then longer-term goals. Be specific and avoid unfinished phrases. Use linking words like “first” and “later.”

例: First, I plan to complete my engineering studies and work part-time to gain experience. Later, I hope to find an engineering job, and eventually I want to start my own businesses — possibly a furniture company and a small bakery, which combines my engineering skills with my hobby.

× I am currently applying for a student visa to study abroad, specifically in Australia to further enhance my knowledge about engineering.

✓ I am currently applying for a student visa to study abroad, specifically to study in Australia to further enhance my knowledge of engineering.

Use of articles and prepositions: 'in Australia' is fine but 'about engineering' is awkward; use 'knowledge of engineering'. Also 'to study abroad, specifically in Australia' is repetitive; clarify 'to study in Australia'. Suggestion: replace 'about' with 'of' and make intention explicit.

× So I am not working, but I am applying to be a student at Australia.

✓ So I am not working, but I am applying to be a student in Australia.

Incorrect article and preposition: we say 'in Australia', not 'at Australia'. 'At' is used for specific places, 'in' for countries.

× Currently I am not working, but I am hoping to find a stable job while studying in Australia.

✓ Currently, I am not working, but I hope to find a stable job while studying in Australia.

Present continuous 'am hoping' is acceptable but 'hope' (simple present) is more natural for future intention. Also add comma after 'Currently'. Use consistent tense and stronger statement.

× This is so I can accommodate myself and find a good living environment as I work and study at the same time.

✓ This is so I can support myself and find a good living environment while I work and study at the same time.

Wrong verb 'accommodate myself' — collocation error. Use 'support myself' or 'accommodate myself' is uncommon. Also prefer 'while' over 'as' for simultaneous actions. Suggest collocation corrections.

× I believe yes because it is supposed to enhance the career choice that you would like to pursue.

✓ I believe so because it is supposed to enhance the career choices you would like to pursue.

Use 'so' not 'yes' after 'I believe'. Also 'career choice' singular conflicts with 'you would like to pursue' which implies possible multiple choices; using plural 'choices' is more natural. Tense is fine; this corrects word choice and agreement.

× And apart from that, we also know some people who used to study there and my mom has a friend who has a daughter.

✓ Apart from that, I also know some people who studied there, and my mom has a friend who has a daughter.

Pronoun inconsistency: conversation is personal so use 'I' not 'we' unless referring to a group. 'Used to study there' implies no longer; 'studied there' is simpler. Keep sentence concise and consistent.

× I am not working yet as I have said previously, but I hope that the place I work with has a very kind environment with warm and kind hearted people.

✓ I am not working yet, as I said previously, but I hope that the place where I work has a very kind atmosphere with warm, kind-hearted people.

Use 'as I said' (simple past) for a previous statement. 'Place I work with' is incorrect collocation; use 'place where I work'. 'Environment' can be 'atmosphere'; add hyphen in 'kind-hearted' and comma between adjectives.

× I would also love if that workplace is vibrant and very ethical.

✓ I would also like that workplace to be vibrant and very ethical.

Use 'would like' followed by object + infinitive for preferences: 'I would like that workplace to be...'. 'Love if' is informal and ungrammatical here.

× After I finish studying and working part time, I am hoping to apply for a job about works related to engineering and from then on I am hoping to be an entrepreneur and build multiple businesses regarding furnitures or my love for baking which is a.

✓ After I finish studying and working part-time, I hope to apply for a job related to engineering, and after that I hope to become an entrepreneur and build multiple businesses related to furniture or based on my love of baking.

Multiple issues: use 'hope' (simple present) for future plans. 'Apply for a job about works related to engineering' is ungrammatical; use 'a job related to engineering'. 'From then on' is wordy; 'after that' is clearer. 'Furnitures' is incorrect plural; use 'furniture' (uncountable). 'Love for baking which is a.' is incomplete — completed to 'based on my love of baking'. Also add hyphen in 'part-time'.