Work— Part 1 採点レポート

提案: Be more concise and correct grammar. Start with a clear topic sentence, avoid repetition, correct singular/plural and article usage, and finish sentences fully. Use linking words to add brief details (e.g., 'also', 'for example'). Limit to 3–4 short sentences.

例: I work as a clinical dietitian and I also run an organization called Sports Dietitian India. My aim is to help people prevent and manage metabolic disorders through food and nutrition. For example, we provide counseling and workshops for athletes to improve performance and health.

提案: Improve sentence structure and clarity. Begin with a direct topic sentence, then add 1–2 supporting details using linking words ('because', 'so', 'also'). Avoid capitalisation errors and awkward phrasing. Be specific about what 'sufficient land' means (e.g., space for therapy/exercise).

例: I work from my own clinic, which is next to my house, so it is very convenient for me and my three homeschooled children. The clinic has enough space for a consultation room and a small therapy area, which helps me treat patients more effectively.

提案: Be grammatically accurate and concise. Use correct relative pronouns ('that' or 'which') and avoid incomplete sentences. Explain the benefits briefly and coherently with linking words ('also', 'for instance'). Avoid unnecessary or confusing details (e.g., 'ducks hands' is unclear).

例: Yes, it is a good place to work because it has all the necessary facilities, including private bathrooms. Also, we have a small outdoor area with birds and ducks where patients can relax while waiting, which helps reduce anxiety.

提案: Avoid repetition and correct word choice (e.g., 'poured', 'close building' unclear). Start with a clear yes/no plus reason, then add one supporting detail. Use linking words ('because', 'so') and concise vocabulary.

例: Yes, I love working there because I poured my heart into creating a welcoming clinic focused on health. It offers comprehensive counseling services and comfortable facilities for patients.

提案: Be clearer and avoid vague or incorrect phrases ('wearing several hats' may be fine but follow with concrete plans). Use correct nouns and expressions (e.g., 'sports practitioners' or 'Sports Dietitian India'), and state specific goals and timeline. Keep it to 2–3 sentences, use linking words ('first', 'then', 'also').

例: I plan to focus on strengthening my organization, Sports Dietitian India, over the next two years so it becomes a recognized authority in the country. After that, I would like to return to my hobby of writing and publish articles about sports nutrition.

× My main motive is to make people healthy and aware about all the metabolic disorder that can be cured with food and nutrition.

✓ My main motive is to make people healthy and aware about all the metabolic disorders that can be cured with food and nutrition.

The noun 'disorder' should be plural ('disorders') because 'all the' and 'people' refer to multiple conditions. Use plural to match the general plural concept; improve by using plural nouns when speaking about multiple types or instances.'

× And I do run an organization for athletes so that in my country athlete can.

✓ I also run an organization for athletes so that athletes in my country can get support.

The original sentence is incomplete and has awkward structure. 'And' at sentence start is unnecessary; 'athlete' should be plural and the verb/action needs completion. To fix, remove the initial 'And', pluralize 'athletes', and complete the clause with a clear verb phrase like 'can get support.'

× I work at my own clinic as I'm self-employed and my clinic is adjacent to my house that is more convenient to go there along with my three home schooled kids.

✓ I work at my own clinic as I'm self-employed, and my clinic is adjacent to my house, which is more convenient because I go there with my three homeschooled kids.

Several issues: 'that is more convenient to go there' is ungrammatical—use a relative pronoun 'which' and rephrase 'because I go there with...'. 'Home schooled' should be one-word 'homeschooled'. Remove redundant 'there'. Punctuation improves readability.'

× Moreover, I have dedicated A sufficient land to the clinic so that I can treat my patient more effectively.

✓ Moreover, I have dedicated sufficient land to the clinic so that I can treat my patients more effectively.

Capital 'A' is wrong and 'a sufficient land' is incorrect because 'land' is uncountable here; use 'sufficient land' without 'a'. 'Patient' should be plural ('patients') to match general meaning. Adjust articles and pluralization.'

× Definitely, it has all the amenities who are required at the clinical space.

✓ Definitely, it has all the amenities that are required in a clinical space.

Use 'that' (or 'which') for things, not 'who' which refers to people. Also use 'in a clinical space' rather than 'at the clinical space' for natural idiom. Change pronoun for non-human antecedent.'

× It has a separate section for bathroom.

✓ It has a separate section for the bathroom.

'Bathroom' here requires the definite article 'the' because a specific facility within the clinic is meant. Use 'the bathroom' or 'a bathroom' depending on intended specificity; 'the' fits here.'

× Moreover, a part of clinic is dedicated to some pet animals like ducks hands as well as little birds so that patient can enjoy their waiting time by observing the birds and have.

✓ Moreover, a part of the clinic is dedicated to some pet animals like ducks, hens, and small birds so that patients can enjoy their waiting time by observing them.

Several errors: missing article 'the' before 'clinic'; 'hands' is wrong word—should be 'hens'; 'little birds' is better as 'small birds'; 'patient' should be plural 'patients'; sentence ended abruptly 'and have'—complete as 'by observing them.' Fix pluralization, vocabulary, and complete thought.'

× Definitely, it is really very close to my heart.

✓ Definitely, it is very close to my heart.

'Really very' is redundant and informal; choose one intensifier. This is stylistic rather than strict grammar, but simplifying improves correctness.'

× Moreover, I have pour my heart and soul into it to establish such a close building where I can provide almost all kind of facilities to the people who are visiting me for their counseling.

✓ Moreover, I have poured my heart and soul into it to establish such a welcoming building where I can provide almost all kinds of facilities to the people who visit me for counseling.

'Have pour' is incorrect; the present perfect requires past participle 'poured'. 'Close building' is unnatural; 'welcoming building' better expresses intent. 'All kind of' should be 'all kinds of'. 'Who are visiting me' can be simplified to 'who visit me'. Fix verb form and noun phrases.'

× Moreover, it is oriented on health.

✓ Moreover, it is oriented toward health.

The correct preposition with 'oriented' is 'toward' (or 'towards') in this context, not 'on'. Use 'oriented toward' to indicate focus or direction.'

× I'm already wearing several hats and I really want to complete all those tasks before commencing the new one.

✓ I'm already wearing several hats, and I really want to complete those tasks before starting a new one.

'Commencing the new one' is awkward; 'starting a new one' is more natural. Remove redundant 'all' before 'those tasks'. Add comma before conjunction for clarity.'

× I'm also running an organization sports practitioner in India I started with a couple of years ago and I really want to establish it as one of the prestigious organization in my country and I also plan to go back to my hobby, which is the right issue.

✓ I'm also running an organization called Sports Practitioner in India that I started a couple of years ago, and I really want to establish it as one of the prestigious organizations in my country. I also plan to return to my hobby, which is writing.

Multiple issues: missing punctuation and conjunctions; 'one of the prestigious organization' should be plural 'organizations'; 'a couple of years ago' needs 'started a couple of years ago' without 'with'; 'go back to my hobby' is fine but 'the right issue' is likely mis-transcription—'writing' makes sense as a common hobby; replace accordingly. Ensure proper pluralization, article use, and sentence separation.