Science— Part 1 채점 보고서

제안: Be more concise and natural: start with a clear topic sentence (Yes/No + brief reason), avoid vague phrases and repetition, and limit to about 2–3 sentences. Use specific examples of what you like about science (e.g., experiments, discoveries) and one linking word to connect ideas.

예시: Yes, I really enjoy science because I like doing experiments that explain how things work. For example, I enjoy lab work where I can test hypotheses and see real results, which makes learning exciting.

제안: Be direct and avoid hesitations. Start with a clear statement of age, then add one concise supporting detail about why it mattered, using a linking word like 'because' or 'so'.

예시: I started learning about science at seven when I began primary school, and it really opened my eyes because simple experiments made complex ideas understandable.

제안: Use precise language and avoid repetition. Give a short topic sentence naming the subject, then a specific reason and an example of what fascinates you (e.g., reactions, medicines).

예시: I’m most interested in chemistry because reactions at the molecular level can create medicines and materials. For example, learning how catalysts speed reactions showed me how tiny changes have big effects.

제안: Be specific and organized: state the activity, its purpose, and one concrete result. Remove hesitations and use linking words like 'for example' or 'as a result' to clarify impact.

예시: I entered a science competition to develop a lotion using an extract from a native Malaysian seed. As a result, my product reduced skin irritation in tests, which showed the extract’s potential for skincare applications.

제안: Give a clear direct answer and concise reasons. Avoid hedging and wordiness. Use one linking word (e.g., 'because') and offer an alternative genre you prefer to be specific.

예시: Not really — I prefer watching light comedy or travel shows to relax because they help me unwind, whereas science programs feel too technical when I want to rest.

제안: Avoid stereotypes and be precise. Directly answer the question about frequency (e.g., some do, others don’t), then support with a brief observation and a linking word. Correct factual or wording errors (e.g., 'science museums' not 'science people').

예시: I don’t think it’s accurate to generalize by ethnicity. Some Chinese people I know visit museums frequently, including science museums, because they enjoy learning, while others prefer different activities.

× Absolutely. I favor them very much because I live in an environment where science is more practiced and I believe that science is something that is interesting and unique and it would be my pleasure to explore it.

✓ Absolutely. I favor science very much because I live in an environment where science is widely practiced, and I believe that science is interesting and unique, so it would be my pleasure to explore it.

The original uses the pronoun 'them' to refer to 'science', which is uncountable and should be referred to as 'it' or repeated as 'science'. Also some wording was awkward: 'more practiced' is vague so changed to 'widely practiced', and joined clauses with appropriate conjunctions and punctuation for clarity.

× It was about around. I was seven years old, which was when I started primary school, and it really opened up a new door for me in life.

✓ I was exposed to science pretty early on in my life. I was about seven years old when I started primary school, and science really opened a new door for me.

The phrase 'It was about around' is ungrammatical and redundant. Rewrote sentence to remove filler and to place age in correct clause order: 'I was about seven years old when I started...' Also simplified last clause to refer clearly to science as the subject.

× I feel very deeply towards chemistry as it has piqued my interest when I started to learn it in high school.

✓ I feel very strongly about chemistry because it piqued my interest when I started studying it in high school.

Mixes present perfect 'has piqued' with a past time 'when I started', which is incorrect. Use simple past 'piqued' to match the past time. Also 'feel very deeply towards' is unnatural; use 'feel very strongly about' and 'started studying' is a more natural collocation than 'started to learn'.

× From there on I I learnt a lot about it and it amazed me how something so small can change the world.

✓ From then on, I learned a lot about it, and I was amazed at how something so small could change the world.

Duplicate 'I I' is an error. Tense consistency: 'amazed' should match past 'learned' and hypothetical phrasing uses 'could' rather than 'can'. Also 'from there on' revised to 'from then on' for idiomatic usage.

× I participated in this competition where I had to develop a lotion based on a seed extract.

✓ I participated in a competition where I had to develop a lotion based on a seed extract.

No major grammar error but 'this competition' is deictic; 'a competition' is more appropriate when narrating past events. Tense is past and correct; change improves naturalness.

× The seed was relatively, uh, localized in my country in Malaysia, and I turned something so small into something that is very big and umm, good for people.

✓ The seed was relatively localized to my country, Malaysia, and I turned something small into a product that is useful to people.

Awkward adverb placement 'relatively, uh, localized in my country in Malaysia' was cleaned: use 'localized to my country, Malaysia'. 'Something that is very big and good for people' is vague; changed to 'a product that is useful to people' for clarity and naturalness.

× Personally, I think that my favorite genre would pivot away from science as I think that enjoying as uh, watching TV is something I do to relax my mind.

✓ Personally, I think my favorite genre would not be science, as watching TV is something I do to relax my mind.

'Would pivot away from' is informal and awkward here; 'would not be science' is clearer. The clause 'I think that enjoying as uh, watching TV' is ungrammatical; removed filler and corrected structure to 'watching TV is something I do to relax'.

× Although I do not uh judge anyone who watches science program, but I think that it is not my cup of tea.

✓ Although I do not judge anyone who watches science programs, I think it is not my cup of tea.

Do not use both 'although' and 'but' together; choose one connector. Also 'science program' should be plural or 'a science program'. Removed filler 'uh' and tightened sentence.

× As where I'm from in Malaysia, there's a lot of ethnicity here such as Malay, Chinese and Indians.

✓ Where I'm from in Malaysia, there is a lot of ethnic diversity, such as Malays, Chinese and Indians.

'A lot of ethnicity' is incorrect; use 'ethnic diversity'. Also pluralize the group names consistently ('Malays') and removed redundant 'As' at the start.

× I have a couple of Chinese friends who much prefer visiting any museums actually, not just science museums.

✓ I have a couple of Chinese friends who prefer visiting museums in general, not just science museums.

'Much prefer' is unusual without a reference; 'prefer visiting museums in general' is clearer. 'Any museums actually' is colloquial and awkward; rephrased for formal clarity.

× I do not think that we should, uh, stereotype Chinese people, but I do think that they would prefer to visit science people.

✓ I do not think we should stereotype Chinese people, but I do think they would prefer to visit science museums.

'Science people' is incorrect; likely meant 'science museums'. Removed filler 'uh' and simplified clause. Pronoun use corrected and noun fixed for meaning.