Music— Part 1 채점 보고서

제안: Reduce hesitations and repetition, give a clear topic sentence, and add one or two specific supporting details using linking words. Aim for 2–4 concise sentences and avoid filler sounds (uh, um). For example, state your preference clearly, then explain when you choose sad or happy music with a concrete detail (artist, song, or situation).

예시: I enjoy both sad and happy music. For instance, when I feel nostalgic I often listen to old Bollywood classics like Noor Jehan songs because they comfort me, but when I want to relax I prefer modern pop from Hollywood.

제안: Correct grammar (subject–verb agreement) and avoid overgeneralisation. Use one linking word to connect cause and effect, and provide a specific example of artists or songs and the activity they suit. Keep it to 2–3 sentences for clarity.

예시: Yes, happy music makes me feel more energetic. For example, I usually play upbeat tracks by Pitbull or Shakira when I run on the treadmill because their fast tempo helps me keep a strong pace.

× I, I'm, I'm fond of music, uh, I like uh, both sad and happy music, sad and happy songs of Bollywood, Pakistani and Hollywood songs.

✓ I'm fond of music; I like both sad and happy songs from Bollywood, Pakistan, and Hollywood.

The original has redundant pronouns and awkward listing. Use 'I'm' once and parallel structure 'songs from X' is clearer. 'Pakistani' should be 'Pakistan' when used in a list of film industries or national origins in this context. Remove filler words for clarity.

× I'm uh, into, I like both old Asians, old songs and uh, new songs also, uh, when I feel sad, I listen to the old songs and uh.

✓ I'm into both old Asian songs and new songs; when I feel sad, I listen to old songs.

'Old Asians' is incorrect because 'Asian' is an adjective describing songs, not people; use 'Asian songs'. Remove repeated fillers and redundant 'old' before 'songs'. Simplify sentence structure and punctuation for clarity.

× Yes, happy music make me more very excited and when I feel excited I listen to the most hip hop songs of Hollywood like Hannah Montana, Shakira and like this pit bull their their songs are very energetic and I feel very happy and energetic as well.

✓ Yes, happy music makes me very excited, and when I feel excited I listen to popular Hollywood pop and hip-hop artists like Shakira and Pitbull; their songs are very energetic, and I feel happy and energetic.

Use 'makes' for third person singular subject 'happy music'. 'More very excited' is ungrammatical; use 'very excited'. 'Hannah Montana' is a fictional character/TV show, so replace with 'popular' or omit; 'Pitbull' is one word and should not be 'their their'. Fix pronoun reference and run-on sentence by splitting with punctuation.

× And when I do treadmill I listen to those kind of songs.

✓ And when I use the treadmill, I listen to those kinds of songs.

Use 'use the treadmill' or 'run on the treadmill' rather than 'do treadmill'. 'Those kind' should be 'those kinds' or better 'that kind'—'those kinds of songs' is natural here. Include the definite article 'the' before 'treadmill'.