Dreams— Part 1 採点レポート

提案: ปรับเรื่องไวยากรณ์และความชัดเจนของประโยค เช่น ใช้ tense ให้ถูกต้อง รูปแบบคำนามและคำคุณศัพท์ เช่น 'I had a dream' และ 'color blind' ควรเป็น 'color blind' หรือ 'colour-blind' พร้อมเพิ่มรายละเอียดสั้นๆ เพื่อความครบถ้วน ลดการใช้คำซ้ำและเติม linking word เพื่อความลื่นไหล เช่น 'however' หรือ 'so'

例: I had a dream of becoming a police officer when I was young. However, during a medical check I discovered I am color-blind, so I couldn’t join law enforcement. Because of that, I had to reconsider my career options.

提案: ลดคำเว้นวรรคเสียงอื้ออึง (uh, you know) และปรับโครงสร้างให้กระชับ ใช้ linking word เช่น 'because' อย่างถูกต้อง และแก้รูปคำนาม/คำคุณศัพท์ เช่น 'highly rewarding' ใช้ประโยคสนับสนุน 1-2 ประโยคโดยมีรายละเอียดเฉพาะเจาะจงเกี่ยวกับเหตุผล

例: I shared my dreams with friends in high school. In Thailand, many teenagers wanted to join the police because it offers stable employment and is highly rewarding financially and socially.

提案: แก้ไขไวยากรณ์และคำที่ไม่เหมาะสม เช่น 'it plays' หรือ 'dreams drive our dedication' และหลีกเลี่ยงคำที่คลุมเครือ ('fun dream') ให้ชัดเจน ใช้ linking words เช่น 'because' และยกตัวอย่างสั้นๆ เพื่อสนับสนุนความเห็น

例: Yes, I believe dreams play an important role in life because they drive our motivation and goals. Without clear dreams, people may lack direction; for example, students with goals often study harder and plan their future more carefully.

提案: ปรับไวยากรณ์ เช่น 'I am color-blind' และเปลี่ยนรูปแบบคำกริยาให้ถูกต้อง 'I have to chase another dream' และระบุเป้าหมายให้ชัดเจนขึ้น อย่าใช้คำฟุ่มเฟือย (uh) และเพิ่มรายละเอียดเกี่ยวกับแผนหรือขั้นตอนที่จะทำให้ฝันอื่นเป็นจริง

例: I still want to make my dreams come true, but since I am color-blind I can’t join law enforcement. Therefore, I plan to pursue another goal: achieving career success by the age of 40 by improving my qualifications and gaining management experience.

× When I was young, I have a dream to become a police officer or any law enforcement agency workers.

✓ When I was young, I had a dream of becoming a police officer or a law enforcement worker.

Incorrect use of present perfect 'have' with a specific past time ('When I was young'). Use simple past 'had'. Also use 'a dream of becoming' and singular 'a law enforcement worker' or 'law enforcement officer'. Suggestion: Use simple past for actions completed in the past and correct noun forms. Note: Explanation provided in English as requested.

× or any law enforcement agency workers.

✓ or any law enforcement worker.

Mix of singular 'any' with plural 'workers' is incorrect. Use singular 'worker' after 'any' when referring to a single non-specific role, or rephrase to 'any law enforcement agency worker' or 'workers' with a different determiner. Suggestion: Match count words and nouns (singular/plural) correctly.

× But when I grew up and take a body inspection, I have found that I have a color blind.

✓ But when I grew up and took a body inspection, I found that I am color-blind.

Tense mismatch: 'grew up' and 'took' should both be past simple. 'Have found' (present perfect) is inconsistent with a past story; use past 'found'. 'I have a color blind' is wrong form: 'color-blind' is an adjective and requires 'I am color-blind' or 'I am color blind'. Suggestion: Use past simple for past events and correct adjective use for conditions.

× So sadly I cannot become a law enforce.

✓ So sadly I could not become a law enforcement officer.

Fragment and wrong word form: 'law enforce' is incorrect. Use noun 'law enforcement officer' and past ability 'could not' or present 'cannot' depending on context; here past discovery led to impossibility, so 'could not' fits. Suggestion: Use correct noun phrases and match modal tense to context.

× Yeah, I have shared my dreams with my friends, uh, when I was in high school and, you know, uh, teenage in Thailand, many wish to become a police officer because it is a really stable job and really high rewarding job and.

✓ Yeah, I shared my dreams with my friends when I was in high school. As a teenager in Thailand, many wished to become police officers because it was a very stable and highly rewarding job.

Use simple past 'shared' for a specific past time. 'Teenage' should be 'a teenager' or 'teenagers'; here rephrased to 'As a teenager'. 'Many wish' should be past 'many wished' to match timeframe. 'Really high rewarding job' is ungrammatical; use 'highly rewarding'. Also plural agreement 'police officers'. Suggestion: Keep tense consistent and use correct adjective/adverb forms.

× I think it's plays a big role in our life, really impactful because a dream is what driven our dedication to do something.

✓ I think it plays a big role in our lives and is really impactful because a dream is what drives our dedication to do something.

Wrong contraction 'it's plays' should be 'it plays'. 'Our life' should be plural 'our lives'. 'Driven' is past participle; need present simple 'drives' to match. Suggestion: Ensure subject-verb agreement and correct verb forms for present general statements.

× If we gave a fun dream or doesn't have a dream at all, I think our lives will become meaningless.

✓ If we have a foolish dream or don't have a dream at all, I think our lives will become meaningless.

Mismatch in conditional structure: 'If we gave' is wrong; use 'If we have' for present condition. 'Doesn't have' disagrees with subject 'we'; use 'don't have'. 'A fun dream' is awkward for negative meaning; 'foolish' or 'unrealistic' is clearer. Suggestion: Use correct conditional forms and subject-verb agreement.

× Yeah, I really want to, but as I said before, I have a colorblind so it is impossible to become a law enforcement officer right now.

✓ Yeah, I really want to, but as I said before, I am color-blind so it is impossible for me to become a law enforcement officer right now.

Incorrect noun/adjective form 'have a colorblind' should be 'am color-blind'. Also add 'for me' to show the impossibility applies to the speaker. Suggestion: Use correct condition adjectives and clarify the subject affected by 'impossible'.

× So I have to uh, chasing another dream like becoming successful in before I leave 40s and.

✓ So I have to, uh, chase another dream, like becoming successful before I turn 40.

After 'have to' use base verb 'chase', not '-ing' form. 'Becoming successful in before I leave 40s' is ungrammatical; use 'before I turn 40'. Suggestion: Use base verb after 'have to' and use standard expression 'turn 40'.