Music— Part 1 採点レポート

提案: Be more concise and reduce fillers (uh, umm). Start with a clear topic sentence, then give one or two specific supporting details. Use linking words to connect ideas (for example, because, so). Aim for 2–3 sentences under the 5-sentence limit.

例: I prefer happy music, especially upbeat pop. For example, I often listen to energetic pop songs because they relax me and also give me a boost of energy when I’m studying or commuting.

提案: Avoid repetition and unfinished sentences. Give a direct answer, then a clear example with concise phrasing and a linking word (for example/so). Remove hesitations and finish your thought. Keep it within 2–3 sentences.

例: Yes, happy music definitely makes me more excited and energized. For example, I play upbeat pop while doing house chores so I stay in a good mood and work faster.

提案: Provide a clear timeline and tidy up grammar (use "in 9th grade" or "when I was in ninth grade"). Connect sentences with linking words (however, so, therefore) and avoid vague phrases. Keep it to 3 sentences: one topic sentence, one brief reason, one result.

例: I took piano lessons when I was in ninth grade, but I stopped because the teacher was very strict. However, I kept practicing at home on my own, so I still enjoy playing music now.

提案: Be specific about activities and reduce fillers and unclear phrases ("them beautiful melody"). Organize your response: topic sentence, then one or two examples with linking words (for example/also). Keep sentences grammatically correct and concise.

例: Yes, I often listen to music while doing house chores because it makes tasks more enjoyable. I also play gentle melodies when I write or work on projects so I can feel relaxed and focused.

× it's, uh, makes me feel energized.

✓ it makes me feel energized.

The contracted subject 'it's' plus the verb 'makes' creates a double subject; use 'it makes' to match third person singular subject with the verb. Remove the extra 'it's' to correct subject-verb structure. Suggestion: Say 'it makes me feel energized' or 'it's energizing'.

× in order to be feeling, in order to be in a good mood and feel more energized rather than.

✓ in order to be in a good mood and feel more energized.

The phrase 'in order to be feeling' is awkward and redundant; use the infinitive 'to be' with a state verb or the base verb 'feel'. Also the sentence ends with 'rather than' without a comparison object. Remove 'feeling' and the trailing 'rather than' for clarity. Suggestion: Use 'in order to be in a good mood and feel more energized'.

× When I was on the 9th grade I had the piano lessons, but I remember the time when I had very strict teacher.

✓ When I was in the 9th grade I took piano lessons, but I remember when I had a very strict teacher.

Use 'in the 9th grade' rather than 'on.' 'Piano lessons' is fine but 'had the piano lessons' is unnatural; 'took piano lessons' is better. Also 'very strict teacher' needs an article 'a'. Suggestion: 'When I was in the 9th grade, I took piano lessons, but I remember when I had a very strict teacher.'

× That's why I left music class.

✓ That's why I left the music class.

This sentence needs the definite article 'the' before 'music class' because a specific class is being referred to. The past tense 'left' is correct but article usage required. Suggestion: Use 'the music class' when referring to a specific class.

× After that I practice a lot at home on my own because I liked listening to music and as I like it nowadays.

✓ After that I practiced a lot at home on my own because I liked listening to music, and I still like it nowadays.

Mixed tenses create confusion: 'After that' refers to past so use past 'practiced.' 'Because I liked' is past; to indicate continued preference use 'I still like.' Also 'and as I like it nowadays' is ungrammatical; replace with 'and I still like it nowadays.' Suggestion: Keep past for past events and present for current states: 'After that I practiced a lot... and I still like it nowadays.'

× I always listen to them beautiful melody in order to, umm, just make me feel relaxed at, at at the same time.

✓ I always listen to their beautiful melodies in order to relax and feel good at the same time.

'Them beautiful melody' is incorrect: use possessive 'their' and plural 'melodies' if referring to multiple songs. 'Make me feel relaxed' is awkward with 'make'; use 'relax' or 'help me feel relaxed.' Remove stuttering and redundant phrasing. Suggestion: 'I always listen to their beautiful melodies to relax and feel good at the same time.'

× When I was on the 9th grade I had the piano lessons, but I remember the time when I had very strict teacher.

✓ When I was in the 9th grade I took piano lessons, but I remember when I had a very strict teacher.

Use 'in' not 'on' for grades ('in the 9th grade'). This duplicates an earlier correction but highlights preposition error specifically. Suggestion: 'When I was in the 9th grade...'