Parks— Part 1 採点レポート

提案: Be more direct and concise: start with a clear topic sentence, correct tense use, and give one specific supporting detail. Avoid repetition and unclear phrases (e.g. "volleyball cards", "created my childhood"). Use linking words to connect ideas.

例: Yes, I loved going to parks as a child. For example, my teacher once took my class to a park where we played volleyball and card games, which helped me make close friends and enjoy outdoor activities.

提案: Begin with a clear direct answer, use correct grammar and reduce redundancy. Give one specific reason and link it with a cohesive connector. Avoid repeating phrases like "think about" twice.

例: Yes, I still like parks, although I don't visit them often. I enjoy going there because I can meet friends and play games like volleyball or cards, which reminds me of happy childhood memories.

提案: Answer directly and avoid contradicting statements. Improve fluency by removing filler words and using linking phrases. Provide a concise, specific reason and an example of benefit to residents.

例: I wouldn't say we need many more parks overall, but I would like more parks in my neighborhood. That way local families could enjoy green space without traveling into the city, which would be more convenient for parents with young children.

提案: Start with a clear topic sentence and use accurate word choice (e.g. "peaceful" not "peace"). Keep sentences concise and avoid awkward phrasing. Give a specific characteristic of the park you want and explain why with one clear reason, using linking words.

例: I don't have a particular park in mind, but I'd like to find a peaceful, quiet park where I can sit and paint. It would help me overcome my anxiety about painting in public because a calm setting would feel less intimidating.

× Yes, I enjoy going to parks.

✓ Yes, I enjoyed going to parks.

The question refers to childhood (past), so the student should use past tense 'enjoyed' to match the time frame. Use past tense when talking about habits or feelings in the past.

× When I was a child, I remember when my teacher took us, me and my classmates to the park to play some volleyball cards.

✓ When I was a child, I remember my teacher taking my classmates and me to the park to play volleyball.

Several issues: sequence of tenses and verb form. Use 'remember my teacher taking' rather than 'remember when my teacher took us' for a general recollection; also 'me and my classmates' is incorrect word order and should be 'my classmates and me.' 'Volleyball cards' is incorrect collocation; use 'volleyball'.

× That really affected my life positively because I created my childhood and I really loved it.

✓ That had a positive effect on my life because it shaped my childhood, and I really loved it.

Use past perfect or simple past with correct verbs: 'affected my life positively' is awkward; 'had a positive effect on my life' or 'shaped my childhood' is more natural. 'Created my childhood' is incorrect collocation; use 'shaped my childhood.' Maintain past tense consistency.

× Even so, I don't go out a lot to the parks right now.

✓ Even so, I don't go to the parks very often right now.

Word order and collocation: 'go out a lot to the parks' is unnatural. Use 'go to the parks very often' or 'go out a lot' (not both). Keep present tense 'don't go' since talking about current habit.

× I still love going to parks because I have a chance to play with my friends, play some card games, volleyballs and other games.

✓ I still love going to parks because I can play with my friends, play card games, volleyball, and other games.

Use 'can' for ability/possibility rather than 'have a chance to' in this context. 'Play some card games' -> 'play card games'; 'volleyballs' plural is wrong when referring to the sport: use 'volleyball.' Parallel structure of list improved.

× To think about childhood and think about the memories we had in the past.

✓ I like thinking about my childhood and the memories we had in the past.

Original is a sentence fragment lacking a main verb and subject. Adding 'I like' completes the sentence. Also simplify 'think about childhood and think about the memories' to 'thinking about my childhood and the memories.'

× Not really to be honest.

✓ Not really, to be honest.

Add a comma to separate the phrase; grammatically it's a fragment but acceptable colloquial answer. No modal needed, punctuation improves clarity.

× We have a lot of parks in my city so it will be way nicer to have a park in my neighborhood.

✓ We have a lot of parks in my city, so it would be much nicer to have a park in my neighborhood.

Use conditional 'would' to express hypothetical improvement. 'Way nicer' is colloquial; 'much nicer' is more appropriate. Add comma before 'so.'

× So the residents from here, they won't uh, go to the city to see the green area and enjoy with the kids.

✓ Then the residents here won't have to go into the city to enjoy green spaces with their children.

Avoid redundant subject 'the residents... they.' Use 'won't have to' to indicate no need. 'Go to the city' -> 'go into the city.' 'Enjoy with the kids' incorrect collocation; use 'enjoy green spaces with their children.'

× Finally, it will be way better to have parks in neighborhoods.

✓ Finally, it would be much better to have parks in neighborhoods.

Use 'would' for hypothetical preference. 'Way better' -> 'much better' for formality and correctness.

× I don't have a specific park that I want to go in the future, but I want to go to the park where it will be peace and I will be able to paint.

✓ I don't have a specific park that I want to visit in the future, but I want to go to a park where it will be peaceful and I can paint.

Use 'visit' instead of 'go' + preposition. 'Want to go in the future' -> 'visit in the future.' 'It will be peace' is incorrect; use adjective 'peaceful.' Use 'can' instead of 'will be able to' for simple ability/desire.

× To be honest, I have anxiety to paint in this society but it will be really good to break my anxiety and pain over there with random people.

✓ To be honest, I am anxious about painting in public, but it would be really good to overcome my anxiety and paint there with random people.

'Have anxiety to paint' is incorrect collocation; use 'am anxious about painting.' 'In this society' is vague; 'in public' fits better. 'Break my anxiety and pain' -> 'overcome my anxiety' is idiomatic. Use 'would be' for hypothetical improvement.