Parks— Part 1 採点レポート

提案: Be more fluent and avoid hesitations ("umm"). Start with a clear topic sentence, then add one or two specific supporting details. Correct small grammar mistakes ("when we were off from school", "play on the swings"), and keep answers concise (no more than 3–4 short sentences).

例: Yes, I liked going to parks as a child. I often went with my classmates after school, and we would play on the swings or have small picnics. I also enjoyed walking around and looking at the flowers and trees.

提案: Clarify ideas and fix incorrect phrases ("is my burden" is wrong). Use linking words to connect reason and example (e.g., "because", "for example"). Be concise and natural: two to three sentences with specific detail (how often, what you do).

例: Yes, I still enjoy going to parks because walking there helps me relieve stress and clear my mind. For example, I usually take a 30-minute walk or jog in the park three times a week, which improves my concentration for study and work.

提案: Avoid vague or incomplete phrases ("improve their well"). Use precise vocabulary ("well-being", "green spaces have decreased recently"). Provide one clear reason and a short consequence. Keep sentences coherent with linking words like "because" and "therefore".

例: Yes, I would like more parks in my city because green spaces have decreased in recent years as the area became more built up. More parks would give busy people a place to relax and improve their mental well-being.

提案: Remove fillers ("umm") and finish sentences fully. Start with a clear topic sentence, then add specific details about what you want to see (e.g., aquarium, shows, species). Limit to 2–3 sentences and use linking words like "because" and "especially".

例: I would like to visit Ocean Park because I have never been to an ocean-themed park and I am fascinated by marine life. I am especially eager to see the aquarium exhibits and learn about different ocean species.

× I enjoyed UMM going to parks with my classmates every time when we off from schools we would like to umm play on the swim or just hang out UMM to enjoy the sceneries there.

✓ I enjoyed going to parks with my classmates. Whenever we were off from school, we would play in the swimming area or just hang out to enjoy the scenery there.

Errors: awkward filler words removed and several grammar issues corrected. 'going' as present participle after 'enjoyed' is correct, but 'UMM' should be omitted. 'Every time when we off from schools' is ungrammatical: use 'Whenever we were off from school' for past habitual situations ('were off' past tense, singular 'school' as a collective place). 'Play on the swim' is incorrect; use 'play in the swimming area' or 'swim'. 'Sceneries' is incorrect plural; 'scenery' is uncountable. Suggestions: remove fillers, use past continuous or simple past for habitual past (were off), use correct preposition ('in' the swimming area), and treat 'scenery' as uncountable.

× Yes, I still do because it helps me relieve my stress and is my burden so that I can focus on my study and work more efficiently.

✓ Yes, I still do because it helps me relieve my stress and my burdens so that I can focus on my studies and work more efficiently.

Errors: 'is my burden' is ungrammatical and unclear; use plural 'burdens' or rephrase. 'Study' should be plural 'studies' when referring to general academic work. Also keep consistent present tense 'helps'. Suggestions: use natural collocations ('relieve my stress and my burdens', 'focus on my studies'), and maintain subject clarity.

× For example, I usually take a 30 minutes walk or just jog around the parks.

✓ For example, I usually take a 30-minute walk or just jog around the park.

Errors: '30 minutes walk' should be hyphenated and singular as a compound adjective: '30-minute walk'. 'Parks' should be singular if referring to a generic park, or keep plural with 'around parks' but common phrasing is 'around the park' or 'around parks' depending on meaning. Suggestions: use hyphen for time-based modifiers and ensure number agreement between article and noun.

× There are fewer green spaces here recent years because the area has become more built up and the people are too busy working or studying to visit parks.

✓ There have been fewer green spaces here in recent years because the area has become more built up, and people are too busy working or studying to visit parks.

Errors: 'There are fewer... recent years' mixes present with a time expression; use present perfect 'have been' with 'in recent years'. 'The people' is unnecessary; use 'people'. Suggestions: use present perfect for changes over time ('have been fewer') and include 'in' before 'recent years'.

× So I think building more parks allows people to improve their well.

✓ So I think building more parks would allow people to improve their well-being.

Errors: 'allows' tense/modal mismatch with hypothetical suggestion; 'would allow' is more natural for opinion. 'Improve their well' is incorrect; use 'well-being'. Suggestions: use correct noun 'well-being' and choose appropriate modal/tense for opinions ('would allow').

× I would like to visit Ocean Park because I have never been to any ocean themed parks before and I'm fascinated by marine life.

✓ I would like to visit Ocean Park because I have never been to any ocean-themed parks before, and I'm fascinated by marine life.

Errors: missing hyphen in compound adjective 'ocean-themed'. Otherwise correct modal use. Suggestions: hyphenate compound adjectives before nouns.

× UMM, and especially eager to see the aquarium exhibits and learn more about the ocean species and the fish and.

✓ I am especially eager to see the aquarium exhibits and learn more about ocean species and fish.

Errors: sentence fragment lacking subject and proper verb; trailing 'and' makes it incomplete. Also 'the fish' can be plural 'fish' and 'ocean species' does not need 'the'. Suggestions: supply subject and verb ('I am especially eager'), remove filler 'UMM', and complete the list without trailing conjunction.