Parks— Part 1 採点レポート

提案: 문장 구조와 시제 사용을 정확하게 고치세요. 불필요한 반복(umm, so I really love to…)을 줄이고 한두 문장으로 핵심을 명확히 말하세요. 예를 들어 과거 시제와 경험을 나타내는 세부사항(자전거 연습, 아버지와 함께한 기억)을 논리적으로 연결하는 연결어를 사용하세요.

例: Yes, I enjoyed going to parks as a child. I used to practice riding my bicycle there every weekend with my father, so I have fond memories of playing and learning outdoors.

提案: 중복 표현(‘I can feel fresh air’ 반복)과 어순 오류를 피하세요. 목적과 빈도를 먼저 말한 뒤 이유를 간결하게 덧붙이세요. 연결어(so, because, where)를 적절히 사용해 흐름을 매끄럽게 만드세요.

例: Yes, I still enjoy going to parks and usually visit once or twice a month because I like walking in nature. There I can enjoy the scenery and breathe fresh air, which helps me relax.

提案: 의미 전달이 흐릿하니 정확한 어휘와 문장 구조를 사용하세요. ‘develop the city’ 대신 ‘improve the city’s quality of life’ 같은 표현을 쓰고, ‘no green’ 같은 비표준 표현을 고쳐 구체적인 문제(공기질 저하, 더운 도시 등)를 설명하세요. 문장을 나눠 명확하게 이유를 제시하세요.

例: Yes, I would like to see more parks because green spaces improve the quality of life in a city. Many urban areas lack trees and parks, which can worsen air quality and make the city hotter, so more parks would help.

提案: 장소 이름과 위치를 정확히 말하고, 이유를 구체적으로 제시하세요. 중복과 어색한 문장(‘I can taking oh’)을 고쳐 자연스럽게 표현하세요. 장소의 특징(경치, 산책로, 활동)을 간결히 나열하세요.

例: Yes, I would like to visit Rocket Park, which is located in Union. It is known for its beautiful scenery and peaceful walking paths, so I think it would be a lovely place to take a long walk and enjoy nature.

× Yes, I like to go parks, umm, because when I was young I have a bicycle and umm, I practiced it every weekend with my father, so I really love to umm, go parks.

✓ Yes, I liked going to parks because when I was young I had a bicycle and I practiced riding it every weekend with my father, so I really loved going to parks.

Tense consistency: the student mixes present and past tenses. Use past tense for childhood activities (liked, had, practiced, loved). Countable noun + 'to go' needs a gerund or correct verb form: 'go parks' is incorrect; use 'going to parks' or 'go to parks'. Also 'practiced it' is unclear; specify 'practiced riding it'. Suggestions: keep past tense throughout when talking about the past and use 'go to parks' or 'going to parks', and use clear objects for verbs (e.g., 'ride a bicycle').

× Yes, I usually visit parks once or twice a month because I like walking The Walking through the nature. I can on watch the nature view and I can feel umm, fresh air. So. Umm, I can feel fresh air, so I like to go there.

✓ Yes, I usually visit parks once or twice a month because I like walking through nature. I can enjoy the views and feel the fresh air, so I like to go there.

Awkward phrasing and tense: 'The Walking through the nature' is incorrect; use 'walking through nature'. 'I can on watch the nature view' is ungrammatical—use 'I can enjoy the views' or 'I can see the natural scenery'. Repetition of 'I can feel fresh air' is redundant; combine into a single clear sentence. Suggestions: use natural collocations like 'walking through nature', 'enjoy the views', and avoid unnecessary fillers.

× Yeah, I want to see more parks because. Nature is really important to develop the city because umm nowadays many city have has no green umm. No green bill and it makes umm feels. It makes really umm Tang makan and cold. So yeah.

✓ Yeah, I want to see more parks because nature is really important for city development. Nowadays many cities have no green areas, and that makes them feel dull and cold.

Article and noun form errors: 'develop the city' should be 'for city development' or 'to develop the city'. 'Many city have has' has subject-verb and number errors; use plural 'cities' with 'have' (not 'has'). 'No green bill' is incorrect collocation; use 'no green areas' or 'no greenery'. 'It makes umm feels' is ungrammatical; use 'that makes them feel'. Suggestions: use plural nouns correctly, match subject and verb, and choose common collocations like 'green areas' and 'feel dull'.

× Oh, I want to visit a road parks is rocket, which is relocated in union. Umm, it's really it has a beautiful scenery and also I can taking oh, I can take a walk there. So yeah, I really want to visit it.

✓ Oh, I want to visit a park called Rocket Road, which was relocated in Union. It has beautiful scenery and I can take a walk there, so I really want to visit it.

Naming and verb form issues: 'a road parks is rocket' is incorrect word order; use 'a park called Rocket Road'. 'Which is relocated in union' needs past passive 'which was relocated in Union' if relocation happened. 'It has a beautiful scenery' should be 'it has beautiful scenery' (scenery is uncountable). 'I can taking' is wrong form; use 'I can take a walk there'. Suggestions: use correct noun phrases for names, passive voice for completed actions ('was relocated'), and correct verb forms after modal verbs ('can take').