Parks— Part 1 採点レポート

提案: Be more concise and avoid filler words and repetition. Start with a clear topic sentence, then give one or two specific supporting details using linking words. Correct minor grammar (e.g., “went to the park,” “played catch”).

例: Yes, I loved going to parks as a child. For example, when I was in elementary school I often went to the park to slide down the slopes and play catch with my friends, which made weekends very fun.

提案: Make the contrast clearer and remove hesitations. Use a linking word (e.g., "but" or "however") and correct phrases such as “purpose” or “goal,” “go to the park,” and “get fresh air.” Add one specific example of what you do there.

例: Yes, I still enjoy parks, but my purpose has changed. Now I usually visit the park to relax and get fresh air; for instance, I often sit on a bench and read while enjoying the trees and birds.

提案: Avoid fillers and repetition. Give a clear reason and a concrete benefit or example. Use linking words like “because” and “so” correctly and improve phrasing: “parks help me relax” or “recharge.”

例: Yes, I would. Because parks help me relax and recharge, having more parks around the city would mean I could easily find a quiet green spot nearby to unwind during a busy day.

提案: Be specific and avoid saying you forgot the name; instead describe the place clearly. Use linking words like “because” and give one or two specific reasons and comparisons. Correct small grammar ("south part of Ireland" → "the south of Ireland").

例: Yes, I would like to visit a park in the south of Ireland that I can’t recall the name of. I want to go because it has many large rock formations, which are uncommon in Japan, and I’m curious to see the landscape and coastal views.

× Yes, I did. When I was little, like when I was in elementary school, I I always went to park and play like sliding down slopes or like doing, umm, catch ball with my friends.

✓ Yes, I did. When I was little, like when I was in elementary school, I always went to the park and played, like sliding down slopes or playing catch with my friends.

This sentence has multiple issues: missing article 'the' before 'park' (article error, addressed under sentence structure), incorrect repetition 'I I', and incorrect verb form 'play' in past context. Use 'the park' because a specific type of place is meant; use past tense 'played' to match 'When I was little'; use 'playing catch' or 'playing catch with my friends' for natural phrasing. Remove duplicate word. Suggestion: Proofread for repeated words, include appropriate articles ('the'), and keep verb tenses consistent.

× Yes I do, but I think the aim to go to park for me has changed a lot.

✓ Yes, I do, but I think the purpose of going to the park for me has changed a lot.

Missing articles and awkward phrasing: 'aim to go to park' is ungrammatical. Use 'the park' with the definite article and a more natural noun 'purpose' or 'reason'. Also use the gerund phrase 'of going' to convey purpose. Suggestion: Use 'the park' and natural collocations like 'purpose of going'.

× Now I I usually go to park to be refreshed through seeing greens and yeah, taking fresh airs.

✓ Now I usually go to the park to feel refreshed by seeing greenery and by breathing fresh air.

Errors: repeated 'I I', missing article 'the' before 'park', noncount noun errors 'greens' and 'airs'. Use 'the park', 'greenery' (uncountable) and 'fresh air' (uncountable). Use 'feel refreshed' or 'be refreshed' and parallel structure 'by seeing... and by breathing...'. Suggestion: Avoid pluralizing uncountable nouns and use correct articles.

× 'Yes, because 'cause 'cause as I said, for me parks are for my refreshing, so that umm, if, if there, there are more parks in my town or city, umm, I, I can, umm, I can be recharged everywhere.

✓ Yes, because, as I said, parks are for my relaxation, so if there are more parks in my town or city, I can recharge anywhere.

Problems: filler repetition and awkward phrasing 'for my refreshing' and 'be recharged everywhere'. Use 'relaxation' or 'refreshment' instead of 'refreshing' as a noun; use active verb 'recharge' rather than 'be recharged'; remove repeated words and fillers. Also 'anywhere' is more natural than 'everywhere' in this context. Suggestion: Use correct noun forms ('relaxation'), active voice, and reduce filler words.

× Yes, there are 1. I actually forget the name of the park, but it's located in the South part of Ireland.

✓ Yes, there is one. I actually forgot the name of the park, but it's located in the south part of Ireland.

Mix of present and past tense: 'there are 1' is incorrect number and form; use 'there is one' for singular. 'I actually forget' should be past 'I actually forgot' because the speaker refers to a past action (not remembering now). Also 'South' as an ordinary direction should be lowercase 'south' unless part of a proper name; 'part of' is fine. Suggestion: Use correct existential structure 'there is one' and match tense (use past tense for 'forgot' when appropriate).

× Uh, I want to go there 'cause umm, there are many big rocks and that kind of parks are not in Japan.

✓ I want to go there because there are many big rocks, and parks like that are not in Japan.

Problems: informal 'cause', awkward noun phrase 'that kind of parks' (should be 'parks like that' or 'that kind of park'). Also run-on phrasing; add a comma and conjunction 'and'. Suggestion: Use 'because' in formal contexts, and use 'parks like that' for correct noun phrase order.

× So I'm just curious to see that.

✓ So I'm just curious to see it.

'See that' is awkward when referring to a place or phenomenon; use 'see it' or 'see them' depending on referent. Here 'it' refers to the park or scenery. Also 'curious to see' is acceptable; no -ing issue beyond pronoun choice. Suggestion: Use appropriate object pronoun ('it') to refer back to the park.