Parks— Part 1 採点レポート

提案: Be more grammatically consistent, avoid fillers, and organize into a clear topic sentence plus one or two supporting details. Use past tense for childhood events, replace vague phrases, and correct unclear words ("put me on a right" is unclear). Keep it within 3–4 sentences.

例: Yes, I loved going to parks as a child. My grandmother often took me to the small park near our home, where I played on the swings while she went to buy breakfast. I remember feeling safe and happy during those visits.

提案: Make sentences more concise and correct tenses and articles. Replace fillers and awkward phrasing ("there's a sometime"). Start with a clear topic sentence, then give a brief reason and a specific habit to support it. Keep it to 2–3 sentences.

例: Yes, I still enjoy going to parks. When I started working I was too busy, but after ten years I learned that work–life balance matters, so I now visit a park every week to relax and exercise.

提案: Use correct tense and clearer sentence structure. Give one specific reason and, if possible, a brief example or comparison. Avoid repetition ("place safe place") and check word choice ("fulfilled" → "filled"). Keep it to 2–3 sentences.

例: Yes, I would like to see more parks in my city. When I lived in China many residential areas were filled with high-rise buildings, so children had few safe outdoor places to play compared with my childhood neighborhood.

提案: Correct grammar (use present perfect or simple past correctly) and give a specific example and a clear future intention. Avoid unclear fillers ("UH"). Provide the name precisely and add a reason why you want to visit more parks. Keep to 2–3 sentences.

例: I have visited several national parks, such as Kenya National Park, and I would like to visit more in the future. I want to see different landscapes and wildlife, especially parks known for their safaris and scenic trails.

× Yes uh, when I was a child my grandma will take me to the park nearby our home and she will put me on a right and she then she go to buy breakfast for me when she come back.

✓ Yes, when I was a child my grandma would take me to the park near our home; she would put me on a bench and then go buy breakfast for me and come back.

The student uses 'will' to describe habitual past actions. Use 'would' (past habitual) or 'used to' for repeated actions in the past. Also corrected 'nearby our home' to 'near our home', 'a right' to 'a bench' (likely intended), fixed subject-verb agreement 'she then she go' to 'then go', and verb sequence 'when she come back' to 'and come back'. Suggestions: use 'would' or 'used to' for habitual past; ensure correct nouns and simple past forms for narration.

× Yes, actually there's a sometime, uh, when I started work, umm, I used to be busy with work, but now after 10 years working experience, I realize work life balance is more important to me, so I take time to go to the park every week.

✓ Yes, actually there was a time when I started work and I used to be busy, but now after ten years of work experience I realize that work-life balance is more important to me, so I take time to go to the park every week.

Mixes present and past inappropriately: 'there's a sometime' should be past 'there was a time'. '10 years working experience' needs 'of' and spelled out as 'ten' in formal speech; 'work life balance' needs hyphens 'work-life balance'. Keep tenses consistent: past for past situation, present for current habit. Suggestion: use consistent tense markers and articles/prepositions.

× Yes, when I live in China most apartment land was fulfilled with high buildings and children couldn't find place safe place to play outside like my childhood.

✓ Yes, when I lived in China most apartment areas were filled with tall buildings and children couldn't find a safe place to play outside like in my childhood.

Errors: 'live' should be past 'lived'; 'apartment land' is incorrect—use 'apartment areas' or 'apartment complexes'; 'was fulfilled with' should be 'were filled with' (plural subject and correct verb + past participle); 'high buildings' better as 'tall buildings'; missing article before 'safe place' and awkward comparative phrase 'like my childhood' corrected to 'like in my childhood'. Suggestion: match subject number with verb, use correct past participle 'filled', and include articles ('a safe place').

× I have been traveled several national parks such as UH. Kenya National Park and I would travel more.

✓ I have traveled to several national parks, such as Kenya National Park, and I would like to travel to more.

'Have been traveled' is incorrect passive/perfect mix; use present perfect 'have traveled' or 'have been to'. Add preposition 'to' after 'traveled'. 'UH.' removed as filler. 'I would travel more' is vague—use 'I would like to travel to more' for future intention. Suggestion: use 'I have been to' or 'I have visited' for experiences and include 'to' after 'travel' when indicating destination.