Views— Part 1 採点レポート

提案: Be more concise and natural: start with a clear topic sentence, avoid awkward phrases (‘order my camera’), reduce redundancy, and add one specific example. Use linking words for flow.

例: Yes, I enjoy taking photos of different views because it helps me preserve memories. For example, when I visited Kyoto last year I used my vintage Sony to capture the temple gardens at dawn, which highlighted the soft light and colours. I usually prefer shooting landscapes during the golden hour because the light makes scenes more dramatic.

提案: Give a clear preference or balanced opinion in the topic sentence, avoid vague words (‘depth’ used repeatedly), and provide specific contrasts with linking words (e.g., 'whereas', 'while'). Also correct minor grammar and phrasing.

例: I enjoy both, but I slightly prefer rural views because they offer tranquil landscapes and authentic cultural scenes, whereas cities provide striking architecture and vibrant street life. For example, while urban skylines are impressive at night, I find the rural rice terraces and local festivals more peaceful and photogenic.

提案: Avoid vague statements ('views are subjective') and unclear phrasing ('training views'). Give a direct answer, then support with specific reasons and an example. Keep within 3–4 sentences and use linking words like 'because' or 'however.'

例: I like views both at home and abroad, but I have a slight preference for my own country because I'm familiar with its variety and cultural nuances. For instance, my country’s coastal cliffs and traditional towns offer unique scenes I know how to photograph well; however, I also enjoy travelling abroad to discover different landscapes and cultural perspectives.

× It is like freezing the moment, making a memory permanently to me.

✓ It is like freezing the moment, making a memory permanent for me.

Incorrect use of 'permanently' (an adverb) where an adjective 'permanent' is needed to modify 'memory'; and 'to me' is unnatural — use 'for me'. Suggestion: use adjective after 'making' to describe the noun and 'for' to indicate benefit or relation: 'making a memory permanent for me.'

× And whenever I travel, I order my camera, which is a vintage Sony camera and I take pictures with that.

✓ And whenever I travel, I bring my camera, which is a vintage Sony, and I take pictures with it.

The verb 'order' is incorrect in this context; likely intended meaning is 'bring' (present simple habit). Also 'that' as a pronoun for camera is awkward; use 'it'. 'Sony camera' can be shortened to 'Sony'. Suggestion: use appropriate verb for habitual action ('bring') and the correct pronoun 'it.'

× Actually, I prefer both 'cause urban areas are beautiful, it has so much depth on its own, but rural areas are something different.

✓ Actually, I prefer both, 'cause urban areas are beautiful; they have so much depth on their own, but rural areas are something different.

Subject-verb agreement: 'urban areas' is plural so the verb should be 'have' not 'has'. Also use plural pronoun 'they' and 'their' to agree. Suggestion: ensure verbs and pronouns agree in number with their subjects.

× Whenever I visit a rural area, I get mesmerized with the views, with the culture and it is really shocking to me that they are different.

✓ Whenever I visit a rural area, I get mesmerized by the views and the culture, and it really surprises me that they are so different.

Use 'mesmerized by' rather than 'mesmerized with'. 'Shocking to me' is awkward; 'surprises me' is more natural. Also combine 'views and the culture' without repeating 'with'. Suggestion: prefer 'mesmerized by' and use 'surprise' for reactions.

× Views are subjective. For me, I think I prefer both of them. My country has so much training views, so much beautiful atmosphere, so much depth in various places, whereas I am also keen to visit other countries and make memories there.

✓ Views are subjective. For me, I prefer both. My country has so many striking views, a beautiful atmosphere, and a lot of depth in various places, and I am also keen to visit other countries and make memories there.

'Prefer both of them' is wordy; 'prefer both' is sufficient. 'Training views' is incorrect word choice—likely 'striking views'. Use count noun agreement: 'so many striking views' not 'so much'. 'So much beautiful atmosphere' should be 'a beautiful atmosphere'. 'So much depth' changed to 'a lot of depth' for naturalness. Suggestion: choose correct adjectives and quantifiers and ensure noun-adjective collocations are natural.