Views— Part 1 採点レポート

提案: Be more concise and correct small errors. Start with a clear topic sentence, avoid repetition, and fix the phrase “I have a photographer” (which is confusing). Use one or two specific supporting details and a linking word to improve coherence.

例: Yes, I do. Photography is part of my job, so I often take pictures of different views. For example, I like photographing sunrise cityscapes because the light creates inspiring colours, and those images help me remember the moment.

提案: Reduce hesitations and redundant phrases, use precise vocabulary (e.g. “features” instead of “specialties”), and include a linking word when giving a reason. Replace vague words like “stuff” with specific examples of subjects you photograph.

例: I enjoy both, but I generally prefer rural views because they offer more natural landscapes and creative freedom. For instance, I often photograph rolling fields and rustic buildings, which let me experiment with lighting and composition.

提案: Avoid repetition and improve sentence structure. Start with a clear comparison, use linking words to contrast, and provide one specific example from each country rather than repeating “I mean”. Also correct “nature wise” to “in terms of nature.”

例: I prefer views in India for its natural diversity, although other countries also impress me. For example, India’s landscapes — from beaches to mountains — inspired my photography, while Iran stands out for its intricate architecture, such as historic mosques and palaces.

× I have a photographer so taking pictures is part of my job.

✓ I am a photographer, so taking pictures is part of my job.

The original sentence incorrectly uses 'have a photographer' which implies possession rather than the intended profession. Replace with 'I am a photographer' to correctly express that the speaker works as a photographer. Suggestion: state roles with 'be' verbs (I am a photographer).

× I truly enjoy doing what I do and I love to take and capture the moments and the views which make me feel inspired and also those pictures can just bring back to the moment.

✓ I truly enjoy doing what I do, and I love to capture the moments and views that inspire me; those pictures can bring me back to the moment.

Multiple issues: 'love to take and capture' is redundant — use a single verb like 'capture'. 'Which make me feel inspired' is wordy; use 'that inspire me'. 'Bring back to the moment' is unidiomatic; use 'bring me back to the moment'. Also add commas and a semicolon to improve sentence flow. Suggestion: avoid redundancy, prefer 'that' for defining clauses, and include the correct object after 'bring'.

× Both are interesting to me. I mean, each of them has its own uh, specialties, uh, but I generally enjoy taking pictures of rural areas more because in the rural areas there are more of nature and there is more freedom to capture more creative stuff.

✓ Both are interesting to me. I mean, each has its own specialties, but I generally enjoy taking pictures of rural areas more because rural areas have more nature and more freedom to capture creative shots.

Problems: 'each of them' can be shortened to 'each'. 'The rural areas' is incorrect; when speaking generally use plural without 'the' (rural areas). 'There are more of nature' is ungrammatical; use 'have more nature' or 'have more natural scenery'. 'More creative stuff' is vague; use 'creative shots' or 'creative images'. Suggestion: omit unnecessary articles for general statements and use clearer nouns instead of 'stuff'.

× I love India. I mean I became a photographer there. I lived there for two years and in that time the views were just unbelievable.

✓ I love India. I became a photographer there. I lived there for two years, and during that time the views were simply unbelievable.

Mainly style and connector choices: 'in that time' is awkward; 'during that time' is more natural. 'Just unbelievable' is informal; 'simply unbelievable' is slightly more natural. Tenses are acceptable (past events), but improve cohesion with 'during' and a comma. Suggestion: use 'during that time' for clearer temporal reference and add a comma before conjunctions joining clauses.

× I mean Iran also is beautiful, especially in architecture and the buildings.

✓ I mean, Iran is also beautiful, especially in its architecture and buildings.

Word order and article use: 'Iran also is beautiful' is less natural than 'Iran is also beautiful'. 'In architecture and the buildings' should be 'in its architecture and buildings' to show possession and parallel structure. Suggestion: place 'also' after the subject and use possessive 'its' for clarity.

× But the nature wise, India is the most amazing and interesting place.

✓ But in terms of nature, India is the most amazing and interesting place.

'The nature wise' is an incorrect and awkward construction. Use the phrase 'in terms of nature' or 'nature-wise' (informal with a hyphen) to introduce the comparison. Suggestion: use 'in terms of' for formal clarity or 'nature-wise' sparingly in casual speech.