Travelling— Part 1 採点レポート

提案: Be more concise and correct grammar. Start with a clear topic sentence, then give one or two specific reasons using linking words. Avoid repetitions and fix tense/word order errors.

例: Not usually. I rarely look out the window on night trips to my hometown because it’s too dark to see or take photos. However, sometimes during daytime journeys I do take pictures if the view is attractive.

提案: Provide clearer, more specific details and correct grammar and collocations. Use linking words to connect ideas and one or two descriptive adjectives. Replace vague phrases like “good people” and correct verb forms.

例: Occasionally, yes. For example, when I visited Sinclair Lake I saw a stunning mountain and a clear, fast-flowing lake, so I took several photos. It made me feel calm and happy to capture that scene.

提案: Answer directly with a clear preference sentence, then give two specific reasons using linking words. Fix vocabulary and unclear phrases (e.g., “top position”, “see the few”). Keep it within 3–4 sentences.

例: I prefer the mountains because I enjoy reaching the summit and taking wide landscape photos. Also, if the area overlooks the sea, the combination of mountains and ocean is breathtaking. Seeing such views makes me feel peaceful and grateful.

× No I don't especially when I travel to my hometown at night because I can't take any picture and it's it is really dark he outside but there are some moment I will take a picture when do travelling by bus.

✓ No, I don't, especially when I travel to my hometown at night, because I can't take any pictures and it is really dark outside; but sometimes I will take a picture when traveling by bus.

The original sentence has multiple sentence structure problems: run-on fragments, repeated words ('it's it is'), wrong word order ('he outside'), incorrect tense/aspect in parts, and incorrect phrase 'some moment' and 'do travelling'. Fix by splitting clauses with punctuation, removing duplicates, using plural 'pictures', placing 'outside' correctly, and using 'sometimes' and 'traveling' for correct adverb and gerund forms. Use commas to separate clauses and a semicolon for clarity.

× Occasionally, yes. For example, when I went to Sinclair Lake, I saw a beautiful mountain, fast lake and also good people. And when I tried to take a picture, I feel comfortable.

✓ Occasionally, yes. For example, when I went to Sinclair Lake, I saw a beautiful mountain, a vast lake and very nice people. And when I tried to take a picture, I felt comfortable.

Errors include wrong adjective 'fast' instead of 'vast' (word choice), missing article before 'vast lake', and inconsistent verb tense: 'tried' is past so follow with past 'felt', not present 'feel'. Use 'a' before singular countable nouns and keep past tense consistent.

× Arpita Mountain, uh, because when I got on the top position of the mountain, I can take any picture, especially when the, this, that region has a sea.

✓ Arpita Mountain, because when I reach the top of the mountain, I can take many pictures, especially when that region has a sea.

Problems: awkward phrase 'got on the top position' replaced with 'reach the top'; inconsistent tense 'got' with modal 'can' — use present for general ability; 'any picture' changed to 'many pictures' (quantifier and natural usage); remove filler 'the, this, that' and use 'that region' for reference. Pronoun/demonstrative misuse corrected.

× So when, when I see the few, I feel happy and I feel blessed by God.

✓ So when I see the view, I feel happy and blessed by God.

'the few' is incorrect word choice; likely 'the view' is intended. Repetition 'when, when' removed. 'I feel happy and blessed' is more natural than repeating 'I feel'. Maintain present simple for habitual reactions.