Travelling— Part 1 採点レポート

提案: Be more concise and avoid hesitation. Start with a direct topic sentence, then give one or two specific supporting details using linking words. Reduce repetition (e.g., saying 'if you' multiple times) and remove filler words (umm, uh). Also finish your sentence about taking photographs.

例: Yes — I always look out the window when travelling by car or bus. I especially enjoy sunrise and sunset in Australia because the orange sky and long shadows create spectacular colours. For example, I often stop to take photographs and later share them with friends on social media.

提案: Avoid repeating the same idea and reduce informal phrases. Give a clear reason and one brief example of how you use the photos. Replace colloquialisms like 'geek of social media' with clearer vocabulary (e.g., 'active on social media'). Keep the answer within three sentences and use linking words like 'so' or 'therefore.'

例: Yes, I often take photos of the scenery. Because I am quite active on social media, I upload the best pictures so my friends and family can see Australia's landscapes. For instance, I usually post sunset photos with short captions describing where I was.

提案: Answer directly and avoid trailing off. Start with a clear topic sentence stating your preference, then provide specific reasons and one concrete example. Remove hesitations and finish the final thought. Use linking words like 'because' and 'for example' to structure your response.

例: I prefer the mountains. I lived in Murray, which has beautiful mountain ranges, and that experience made me appreciate hiking and quiet, natural scenery. For example, I spent weekends exploring trails there, which gave me my best outdoor memories.

× Australia is one of the most beautiful places in the world, I believe, because if you, if you ever, if you are ever driving during the sunrise or sunset, it's the most magnificent view that you can have.

✓ I believe Australia is one of the most beautiful places in the world because if you ever drive during sunrise or sunset, you can see the most magnificent views.

Run-on and awkward repetition: the original sentence contains repeated clauses ('if you, if you ever, if you are ever') and a comma splice joining independent clauses without proper conjunction or restructuring. Also tense and phrasing are inconsistent ('driving during the sunrise or sunset' -> 'drive during sunrise or sunset', 'it's the most magnificent view that you can have' -> 'you can see the most magnificent views'). Suggestion: remove repeated fragments, use simple present for general truths, and link clauses clearly.

× So I'll definitely be the one who will be looking out the windows and uh, I just love when you see that orange sky.

✓ So I'll definitely be the one who will be looking out the window, and I just love seeing the orange sky.

Agreement and noun number: 'windows' could be singular 'window' to match 'out the window' common collocation, and verb form 'I just love when you see that orange sky' mixes perspectives and is wordy. Using 'I just love seeing' makes the subject and verb agree and is more idiomatic. Also combined clauses with 'and' for clarity.

× It just blows me away.

✓ It always blows me away.

Style and completeness: While grammatically acceptable, adding 'always' clarifies frequency and fits conversational context. No major grammar error but improvement for naturalness.

× It's really magnificent And umm, I often take photographs and.

✓ It's really magnificent, and I often take photographs.

Fragment and punctuation: The original ends with 'and.' leaving a sentence fragment. Also missing comma before 'and' and capitalization error ('And' mid-sentence). Remove the trailing 'and' and add comma to fix the fragment.

× Yes I do. If you have a place such as Australia with these spectacular views, why wouldn't you?

✓ Yes, I do. If you have a place like Australia with such spectacular views, why wouldn't you?

Word choice and punctuation: 'such as' is acceptable but 'like' and 'such spectacular views' is more natural. Also missing comma after 'Yes'. Not strictly a grammatical error category from list except present participle; main changes are style and punctuation.

× And I'm someone who is a geek of social media, I'll always be uploading stuff on social media and uh, those views are something that I really want my friends back home to see and umm, like it's just spectacular, like it's magnificent, why wouldn't I?

✓ I'm a social media geek, so I always upload content there; I really want my friends back home to see those views. It's just spectacular and magnificent; why wouldn't I?

Pronoun and run-on issues: The original mixes clauses with improper punctuation (comma splice) and repetitive phrases. 'Geek of social media' is unnatural; use 'social media geek.' Replace comma splice with 'so' or semicolon, clarify pronoun reference ('there' for social media), and break into shorter sentences for clarity.

× Well, to be honest, I've never really thought about it that much, but for me, mountains would definitely be the preference because I've lived in a place where it was, umm, it had mountain ranges in it and uh, that place was Murray.

✓ Well, to be honest, I've never really thought about it that much, but I would definitely prefer the mountains because I lived in a place with mountain ranges called Murray.

Awkward structure and redundancy: The original uses redundant clauses ('it was, umm, it had') and awkward phrasing ('would definitely be the preference'). Simplify to 'I would prefer the mountains' and condense 'lived in a place with mountain ranges called Murray.' This fixes sentence flow and redundancy.

× It was uh, a really good experience. I would say the best experience of my life that came from that place.

✓ It was a really good experience; I would say it was the best experience of my life.

Fragment and repetition: The second sentence is awkwardly phrased ('the best experience of my life that came from that place') and could be combined with the first using a semicolon or made into a complete sentence 'I would say it was the best experience of my life.' This removes a dangling modifier and clarifies meaning.

× So because of that, I.

✓ So because of that, I developed a strong preference for mountains.

Sentence fragment: 'So because of that, I.' is incomplete and lacks a verb or complement. Complete the thought by stating the result ('I developed a strong preference for mountains').