梦想— Part 1 評分報告

建議: Be more concise and correct grammatical mistakes. Start with a clear topic sentence, then add one short supporting detail. Avoid redundancy and use correct tense and articles (e.g. 'an elementary school student', 'Prime Minister of Japan' or 'president').

範例: Yes. When I was an elementary school student, I dreamed of becoming Prime Minister of Japan. However, as I grew older I realized that goal might not be realistic, so I adjusted my ambitions accordingly.

建議: Clarify vocabulary and be specific. Replace informal fillers (uh, like, wanna) and correct unclear terms ('bee fund manager' is confusing). Use one linking phrase to show contrast. Keep to 2–3 sentences.

範例: Yes, I often tell my friends that I want to become a successful businessman, specifically a fund manager. Although some friends think it may be difficult, I am determined to work hard and pursue that career.

建議: Be more precise and grammatically correct. Use linking words and avoid repetition. State your opinion clearly, then give a concise reason with an example or consequence.

範例: Yes, I believe dreams have meaning because they give us direction. If we set clear goals and consistently work toward them, our chances of success increase.

建議: Avoid vague or incorrect words (e.g. 'regulate' is wrong here). Be direct: state desire, explain why with one clear reason, and avoid slang. Keep sentences natural and under five.

範例: Yes, I want to achieve my dreams because they would give my life purpose. I hope to make a positive contribution to society so I can feel a sense of accomplishment at the end of my life.

× Yes, I do still remember what the dream was when I was a elementary school student.

✓ Yes, I still remember the dream I had when I was an elementary school student.

Incorrect article 'a' before a word starting with a vowel sound 'elementary'; also awkward word order. Use 'an elementary school student' or rephrase to 'the dream I had when I was an elementary school student' for clarity. Suggestion: use 'an' before vowel sounds and place 'still' before main verb.

× I wanted to become our president, Prime Minister of Japan.

✓ I wanted to become the Prime Minister of Japan.

The phrase 'our president' conflicts with 'Prime Minister of Japan' and causes agreement/context error. Use definite article 'the' with official titles. Also 'Prime Minister' is singular and needs 'the'. Suggestion: use 'the Prime Minister of Japan'.

× But as I get older, I come to realize that it's not feasible.

✓ But as I got older, I came to realize that it wasn't feasible.

Tense mismatch: the speaker refers to a change over time from childhood to later, so past tense is appropriate to match 'I wanted'. Use past tense 'got' and 'came' and 'wasn't'. Suggestion: keep tense consistent when describing past realizations.

× I always talk about my dreams to my friends that I want to become a good businessman in the future.

✓ I always tell my friends about my dreams that I want to become a good businessman in the future.

Incorrect collocation 'talk about ... to my friends that ...' Better verb is 'tell' and preposition placement 'tell someone about something'. Also 'businessman' may be okay; keep phrase 'in the future'. Suggestion: use 'tell my friends about my dreams'.

× Uh, like I wanna be a bee fund manager in the future.

✓ Uh, I want to be a hedge fund manager in the future.

The phrase 'bee fund' is incorrect word choice; likely meant 'hedge fund'. Also use 'want to' instead of colloquial 'wanna' in formal responses. Suggestion: use correct noun 'hedge fund manager' and standard 'I want to'.

× And uh, sometimes my friends say like it's not feasible, but I still keep it in mind that I would definitely want to achieve throughout my career.

✓ And sometimes my friends say it's not feasible, but I still keep it in mind and definitely want to achieve it during my career.

Tense and phrasing issues: combine clauses clearly, remove filler 'like', use 'during my career' rather than 'throughout my career' with 'achieve it'. 'Would definitely want' is conditional/inaccurate; use present 'definitely want'. Suggestion: simplify and use present simple for current desire.

× Yes, I do think dreams carry special meanings.

✓ Yes, I do think dreams carry special meanings.

No grammatical correction needed; sentence is correct. Included for completeness. Explanation: Present tense 'do think' emphasizes belief; structure is correct.

× As long as we dream, it's most of them are achievable.

✓ Most of them are achievable as long as we dream about them.

Awkward sentence structure and misplaced clause. 'It's most of them are achievable' is ungrammatical. Reorder to 'Most of them are achievable as long as we dream about them' or 'As long as we dream, many dreams are achievable.' Suggestion: place subject before verb and attach conditional clause appropriately.

× As long as, uh, we can keep making efforts towards that dream, umm, the probability of being successful will increase I believe.

✓ As long as we keep making efforts toward that dream, the probability of being successful will increase, I believe.

Use 'keep making' (present participle) is acceptable; correction mainly removes fillers and changes 'towards' to 'toward' (both are acceptable) and adds comma before 'I believe'. Sentence is grammatically acceptable after cleanup. Suggestion: avoid filler words and use consistent punctuation.

× Yes, I do want to make my dreams come true.

✓ Yes, I do want to make my dreams come true.

Sentence is grammatically correct; present tense expresses current desire. Included for completeness.

× Umm, it will be a good achievement of my life.

✓ It would be a great achievement in my life.

Awkward collocation 'achievement of my life' is incorrect. Use 'achievement in my life' and conditional 'would be' fits better when speaking about hoped-for future outcome. Suggestion: use 'would be a great achievement in my life.'