Bike— Part 1 採点レポート

提案: Improve clarity, structure and fluency. Begin with a clear topic sentence that directly answers the question, then add one or two specific supporting details. Remove hesitations (e.g., "umm") and avoid unnecessary repetitions like "Of course I was." Use linking words (for example, "because" or "so") to connect ideas and correct tense consistency ("until I learned" or "until I could"). Keep the response to no more than five sentences.

例: Yes, I had a bike when I was a child. I got it when I was about five years old, but I learned to ride slowly because I was afraid of falling. My older brother helped me practice every weekend, so after a few weeks I could ride without training wheels. I have fond memories of racing him around our street.

× Yes, I had one when I was a child, I think I was about 5 years old and I learned slowly at that time because I was very conscious and afraid of falling.

✓ Yes, I had one when I was a child. I think I was about five years old, and I learned slowly at that time because I was very cautious and afraid of falling.

The original contains run-on sentences and word choice. Break into two sentences to improve clarity (sentence structure issue related to past tense narration). 'Learned' correctly uses past tense, but punctuation should separate independent clauses. 'Conscious' is incorrect in this context; 'cautious' better conveys being careful to avoid falling. Also write numbers under ten as words ('five'). Suggestions: split long sentences with a period or connector, use 'cautious' for careful behavior, and follow conventional number formatting.

× Of course I was. I'm a girl and my older brother helped me practice the umm, riding the bike until I'm.

✓ Of course I was. I'm a girl, and my older brother helped me practice riding the bike until I could.

There is a tense and sentence completion problem. 'Helped me practice' is past tense and should be followed by a past ability or completion phrase; 'until I'm' is incorrect because 'I'm' is present and incomplete. Replace with 'until I could' (past ability) to match past timeline. Also remove the unnecessary comma before 'riding' and avoid filler 'umm' in formal correction. Use a comma before 'and' to join clauses properly.