Bike— Part 1 採点レポート

提案: Be more fluent and concise: avoid fillers like “uh” and give a clear topic sentence followed by one or two supporting details. Add a specific detail (where you learned, how long it took, or a memory) and use a linking word to connect ideas.

例: Yes, I had my first bike when I was nine. My dad taught me to ride it in the local park, and it took me a few days to feel confident. As a result, I spent most afternoons cycling with friends during summer.

提案: Improve grammar, clarity and specificity. Start with a clear topic sentence, then explain reasons using linking words (for example, because/therefore). Replace vague phrases (‘traffic stuff’) with precise language and give a concrete example or statistic if possible.

例: Yes, bikes are very popular in my country because traffic congestion is severe in cities. Therefore, many people choose bicycles for short trips to save time and money; for example, I often see busy commuters cycling to work during rush hour.

× Yes, as a nation country we have a lot of bikes and due to the traffics we need to avoid all the traffic stuff.

✓ Yes, as a nation we have a lot of bikes, and because of traffic we need to avoid traffic congestion.

The phrase 'nation country' is redundant and incorrect adjective use; use either 'nation' or 'country' (adjective error). 'Due to the traffics' is incorrect: 'due to' is used for causes and 'traffic' is an uncountable noun so not plural; use 'because of traffic'. 'Avoid all the traffic stuff' is informal and vague; use 'avoid traffic congestion' for clarity. Suggestion: use concise, uncountable noun forms and formal collocations (e.g., 'because of traffic', 'traffic congestion').

× So that leads to use of bikes most.

✓ So that leads to the greater use of bikes.

The original uses 'use of bikes most' which has incorrect word order and quantifier usage. 'Most' is improperly placed; use 'the greater use of bikes' or 'most people use bikes' depending on meaning. Suggestion: place quantifiers before the noun phrase and use articles where needed (e.g., 'the greater use of bikes' or 'most people use bikes').