Hometown— Part 1 採点レポート

提案: Try to avoid redundancy and improve sentence flow by combining related ideas and using linking words. Also, correct minor grammar issues such as article usage and verb forms to make your answer more natural and effective.

例: I was born in Ardabil, a historic city in northwest Iran known for its cold climate, natural hot springs, and stunning Mount Sabalan. It has deep cultural roots and attracts many visitors, which makes me really proud of my hometown.

提案: Be careful with the correct name of your hometown and use linking words to connect your ideas smoothly. Also, try to use more precise vocabulary and avoid minor grammatical errors such as possessive forms.

例: What I really like about Ardabil is its beautiful atmosphere and abundant greenery. Since it is not a crowded city, it is free from pollution, which is a great advantage. Moreover, I enjoy the traditional dishes it is famous for because their taste is incredible.

提案: Focus on clarity and grammatical accuracy. Avoid awkward phrasing and redundancy. Use linking words to connect ideas and provide specific details. Also, avoid incomplete sentences and ensure your answer is concise.

例: I lived in Ardabil for 18 years since I was born there, but I left to attend university in another city. What I miss most is my family, who still live there. Additionally, I miss the beautiful atmosphere and the lush green scenery that makes the city special.

提案: Avoid filler sounds like 'UMM' and improve sentence structure for clarity. Use linking words to organize your points logically. Also, use more precise vocabulary such as 'employment' instead of 'work' and correct prepositions.

例: I don't think my hometown is a good place for young people to live. Firstly, it lacks job opportunities, so many of my friends have moved away because they couldn't find suitable employment. Additionally, the extremely cold winters make daily life difficult for those who enjoy outdoor activities.

× It is well known for its cold climate, natural Hot Springs and stunning Mount Sabalan.

✓ It is well known for its cold climate, natural hot springs, and stunning Mount Sabalan.

The adjective 'Hot' should not be capitalized unless it is part of a proper noun. Here, 'hot springs' is a common noun phrase, so 'hot' should be lowercase. Also, a comma is needed before 'and' in a list of three or more items (Oxford comma) for clarity.

× It has also deep cultural roots and it is a historic city which attracts many visitors and it is why I am really proud of being born.

✓ It also has deep cultural roots and is a historic city that attracts many visitors, which is why I am really proud to have been born there.

The phrase 'It has also deep cultural roots' is better as 'It also has deep cultural roots' for natural word order. 'Which attracts many visitors and it is why' is awkward; better to say 'that attracts many visitors, which is why'. Also, 'proud of being born' is unnatural; 'proud to have been born there' is correct.

× What I really like about Artaville is it's beautiful atmosphere and the greenery.

✓ What I really like about Ardabil is its beautiful atmosphere and the greenery.

The city name is 'Ardabil', not 'Artaville'. Also, 'it's' is a contraction for 'it is' or 'it has', but here the possessive pronoun 'its' is needed without an apostrophe.

× Also, I really enjoy the traditional dishes which it is famous for and the taste of them are incredible.

✓ Also, I really enjoy the traditional dishes it is famous for, and their taste is incredible.

The pronoun 'it' refers to the city, so 'which it is famous for' is correct but can be simplified to 'dishes it is famous for'. 'The taste of them are' is incorrect; 'taste' is singular, so 'is' should be used, and 'their taste' is more natural than 'the taste of them'.

× The thing that I really miss about it is my family with who still live there.

✓ The thing that I really miss about it is my family who still live there.

The phrase 'my family with who' is incorrect. The correct relative pronoun here is 'who' without 'with' because 'who' is the subject of 'still live there'.

× Also, I miss the beautiful atmosphere and the scene and beautiful greens that had many sceneries in it.

✓ Also, I miss the beautiful atmosphere, the scenery, and the beautiful greenery that the city has.

'The scene and beautiful greens that had many sceneries in it' is awkward and incorrect. 'Scene' should be 'scenery' (uncountable noun). 'Beautiful greens' is better as 'beautiful greenery'. 'Had many sceneries' is incorrect; 'scenery' is uncountable and does not have plural 'sceneries'. The sentence is rephrased for clarity.

× I don't think my hometown is a good place for young people to live in UMM.

✓ I don't think my hometown is a good place for young people to live in.

The word 'UMM' is unnecessary and unclear here; it should be removed for clarity.

× Firstly, it lacks job opportunities and many of my friends have moved out because they couldn't find a suitable work for themselves.

✓ Firstly, it lacks job opportunities, and many of my friends have moved out because they couldn't find suitable work for themselves.

The word 'work' is an uncountable noun and does not take 'a' or 'suitable work' with 'a'. The article 'a' before 'suitable work' is incorrect and should be removed.