Work— Part 1 採点レポート

提案: Be more concise, correct grammar and use a clear topic sentence then one or two specific supporting details. Avoid redundancy (e.g., "studying" and "study"). Use correct noun phrases: "a degree" and "third year."

例: I am a student. I am in my third year studying for a degree in Finance and Actuarial Science, which focuses on assessing and managing financial risk.

提案: Answer directly then give one specific detail about internship. Use correct tense and articles: "I haven't worked" or "I don't work" and "at a bank."

例: I don't have a permanent job because I'm a student, but I had an internship at a bank last year where I assisted with customer accounts and learned basic banking procedures.

提案: Structure the response: start with a clear opinion, then give two concise, specific reasons using linking words (e.g., "because", "and"). Fix grammar and collocations: "improve my knowledge" and "communication skills with professionals." Avoid fragments.

例: Yes, it was a good place to work because the staff were professional and the processes were efficient. Also, the internship helped me connect with industry contacts and improve my knowledge and communication skills when speaking with professionals.

提案: Give a direct answer then support with two clear, specific reasons. Correct grammar: "I would like the place where I work because the atmosphere is supportive," "when I first went to work" and "my colleagues were willing to teach me." Avoid repetition and keep within 3–4 sentences.

例: Yes, I would like to work there because the atmosphere is very supportive. When I first started, my colleagues spent time teaching me and giving clear guidance, which made me feel welcome and confident at work.

提案: Start with a clear topic sentence about your plan, then give one or two specific details about the role and why it suits you. Use correct collocations: "work in banking as an analytics specialist" or "in risk analytics/credit analytics." Fix grammar: "I will finish my undergraduate studies" and avoid repetition.

例: I will finish my undergraduate studies next year and plan to work in banking as a risk analytics specialist, since it fits my major and my interest in mathematics and finance. I hope to help banks manage financial risks more effectively.

× I'm a student and I'm currently studying a degrees in finance and actuarial science at my university.

✓ I'm a student and I'm currently studying a degree in finance and actuarial science at my university.

Use of plural 'degrees' is incorrect because context indicates one combined degree; article error: 'a degree' (singular) is required. Suggestion: choose singular 'degree' or plural only if studying multiple degrees.

× I'm now studying year 3.

✓ I'm now in my third year.

'Studying year 3' is unnatural in English; use 'in my third year' to express current academic year. Keeps present tense and clear meaning.

× It's a major about assessing and management financial risk.

✓ It's a major about assessing and managing financial risk.

The verb forms after 'about' should be gerunds: 'assessing' and 'managing'. Also adjective order: 'financial risk' is correct. Suggest using parallel gerunds.

× I'm a student so I haven't go to work but I have some internship experience before and I used to work in the bank.

✓ I'm a student so I haven't gone to work yet, but I had some internship experience before and I used to work at a bank.

Multiple errors: 'haven't go' needs past participle 'gone' (perfect tense); 'yet' fits negative present perfect; 'have some internship experience before' is awkward — use past perfect/simple past 'had some internship experience before'; 'in the bank' should be 'at a bank' for general place. Maintain tense consistency.

× Yes, I think it is really good place to work.

✓ Yes, I think it is a really good place to work.

Missing indefinite article 'a' before 'really good place'. Insert 'a' to make noun phrase grammatical.

× In my internship. I work in a bank and I really appreciate the efficiency and also the professionalism given by the bank.

✓ During my internship, I worked in a bank and I really appreciated the efficiency and professionalism shown by the bank.

Sentence fragment 'In my internship.' should be combined; tense should be past 'worked' and 'appreciated' to match completed internship; 'given by' is awkward — use 'shown by' or 'displayed by'.

× So I think it's a really good chance for me to connect to the industry and also to allow me improve my knowledge and as well as my communication skills when talking to professionalism.

✓ So I think it's a really good chance for me to connect with the industry and to improve my knowledge as well as my communication skills when talking professionally.

Use 'connect with' not 'connect to'. 'Allow me improve' needs 'allow me to improve' but better simply 'to improve'. 'As well as' should connect two nouns. 'Talking to professionalism' is incorrect; use adverb 'professionally' or 'talking to professionals' depending on meaning.

× I guess I'd like the place where we work, where I work now, because I think the atmosphere here is really supportive.

✓ I guess I'd like the place where I work now because I think the atmosphere here is really supportive.

Redundant phrase 'where we work, where I work now' is confusing; simplify to 'where I work now'. Pronoun 'we' is unnecessary and mismatches context.

× And when I was go to the work for the first time, I do not know many things, but my colleague loves to teach me a lot of knowledge and give me many guidelines, so I feel very warmed and also I love to work here.

✓ When I went to work for the first time, I did not know many things, but my colleagues were happy to teach me a lot and give me guidance, so I felt very welcomed and I love working here.

'was go' is wrong; use simple past 'went'. 'Do not know' should be past 'did not know'. 'My colleague loves' should be past 'my colleagues were happy' to match past event; plural 'colleagues' more natural. 'Teach me a lot of knowledge' is awkward — 'teach me a lot' or 'teach me many things'. 'Give me many guidelines' -> 'give me guidance'. 'Feel very warmed' -> 'felt very welcomed' or 'warmly welcomed'. Use 'love working here' for present continuous preference.

× And I'm going to finish my undergraduate study next year and my plan is to work in a banking as an edge area analytics because it is related to my major.

✓ I'm going to finish my undergraduate studies next year and my plan is to work in banking as an edge-area analyst in analytics because it is related to my major.

'Undergraduate study' should be plural 'studies'. 'Work in a banking' is wrong; use 'work in banking' or 'at a bank'. 'Edge area analytics' is unclear — likely 'edge-area analyst in analytics' or 'in cutting-edge analytics'; choose 'work in banking as a cutting-edge analytics analyst' or better 'work in banking in analytics'. Ensure noun forms and articles corrected.

× And I'm also I also love mathematics and also finance a lot.

✓ I also love mathematics and finance a lot.

Redundant 'And I'm also I also' contains repeated pronouns/phrases; simplify to 'I also love'. Remove extra 'also'.

× So I hope to be a professional that I can help to management managing financial.

✓ So I hope to become a professional who can help manage financial matters.

'Help to management managing financial' is ungrammatical. Use 'help manage' or 'help with managing'; 'financial' needs a noun like 'matters' or 'risk'. Use relative pronoun 'who', not 'that', for people; 'become' is better than 'be' for career goal.