Work— Part 1 採点レポート

提案: Be more concise, correct grammar, avoid fillers (uh), and give a clear time reference. Start with a direct topic sentence, then add one specific supporting detail (e.g., how long you have worked and one relevant skill). Keep it under five sentences and use linking words like “and” or “so” appropriately.

例: I work as a real estate agent for a well-known company in Manila. I have been in this role for five years, and I regularly use the marketing management skills I learned at university to attract clients and close sales.

提案: Give a direct location answer first, then one specific detail about your role or activities. Remove hesitations and avoid repeating the same idea. Use a linking word to connect location and activity (e.g., “there, I…”).

例: I work in Bonifacio Global City in Manila, where our company headquarters is located. There, I meet clients and show them available properties, which helps me match buyers with suitable homes.

提案: Answer directly and support with two concise, specific reasons. Check vocabulary and names (Bonifacio, not Beneficial), avoid unnecessary opinions like “to be honest,” and avoid exaggeration. Use linking words like “because” or “as” to explain reasons.

例: Yes, it is a great place to work because Bonifacio Global City is modern and hosts many professional firms. As a result, I often meet educated clients and high-end buyers who are looking for quality properties.

提案: Give a clear opinion sentence and finish your supporting idea fully. Avoid trailing off. Include one specific example of how the location helps your work, and use linking words like “because” and “so”.

例: I love working there because the area is surrounded by many new developments, so I can quickly show clients modern options. For example, last month I showed three new condo projects that matched a client’s budget and preferences.

提案: Provide a clear, complete plan with a specific goal and steps. Avoid trailing sentences and filler. Use linking phrases like “I plan to…, so I will…” Include a time frame or concrete action (e.g., hire an assistant, start my own agency).

例: I plan to hire an assistant agent within the next year so I can focus on building my own real estate agency. This will allow me to train staff, expand our listings, and eventually run the business full time.

× I am currently working as a real estate agent and one of the well known, uh, real estate company in Manila.

✓ I am currently working as a real estate agent at one of the well-known real estate companies in Manila.

The original mixes singular and plural and has incorrect preposition and article use. 'One of the ... companies' requires plural 'companies'. Use preposition 'at' for workplace and hyphenate 'well-known'. Remove filler 'uh'. Improve word order for clarity.

× And I've been working as a real estate agent for the past years.

✓ And I've been working as a real estate agent for the past few years.

The phrase 'for the past years' is incomplete; English requires a quantity or qualifier like 'few' or a specific number. 'I've been working' (present perfect continuous) is correct for an action continuing to the present.

× And I, I'm able to, uh, apply all the knowledge that I have experienced or that I got from being a student of marketing management.

✓ And I'm able to apply all the knowledge I gained from studying marketing management.

Redundant phrases and awkward verb choices: 'have experienced' is incorrect for knowledge; use 'gained' or 'learned'. Remove filler 'uh' and redundant 'I,'. Use concise phrase 'studying marketing management'.

× I work in a place in Manila called Bonifacio Global City, uh, where the headquarters is located.

✓ I work in Bonifacio Global City in Manila, where our headquarters are located.

'A place in Manila called' is wordy; name first. Use plural verb 'are' for 'headquarters'. Remove filler 'uh'. Include possessive 'our' if referring to company headquarters.

× And I've been working there for the past years now and, uh, I'm able to, uh, bring clients and be able to show our properties available for them to choose.

✓ I've been working there for the past few years, and I bring clients and show them our available properties.

Fix 'past years' to 'past few years'. Simplify tense: present simple 'bring' and 'show' describe regular actions. Remove redundant 'be able to' and filler 'uh'.

× It is definitely a very good place to work. Beneficial Global City is a modern city and it is a well known place in the Philippines where a lot of professionals work and a lot of to be honest billionaires stay there and a lot of well educated people.

✓ It is definitely a very good place to work. Bonifacio Global City is a modern area and a well-known place in the Philippines where many professionals and wealthy, well-educated people live.

Name corrected to 'Bonifacio'. Use 'area' instead of repeating 'city'. 'Well-known' should be hyphenated. Replace informal 'to be honest billionaires' with 'wealthy' and reorder to produce grammatical parallelism. Use 'many' instead of 'a lot of' for formality; use 'live' not 'stay' for residents.

× I definitely love the place where I work because it's surrounded with a lot of new properties.

✓ I definitely love the place where I work because it's surrounded by many new properties.

Use 'surrounded by' not 'surrounded with'. Replace 'a lot of' with 'many' for smoother formal speech.

× It is something that I consider as a real estate agent, a very important factor since I am looking for the best options for my clients and it makes me.

✓ As a real estate agent, I consider this a very important factor when searching for the best options for my clients, and it motivates me.

Original sentence is fragmented and ends abruptly ('it makes me'). Reorder to start with the role 'As a real estate agent' and complete the thought using 'motivates me' or 'helps me'.

× Well, I plan to have an agent and I believe this is just part of the process of me becoming a full time businessman.

✓ Well, I plan to hire an agent, and I believe this is just part of the process of becoming a full-time businessman.

'Have an agent' is vague; 'hire an agent' is clearer. Remove 'of me' after 'process of' to correct structure; hyphenate 'full-time'. Use infinitive 'becoming' without extra pronoun.

× I'm able to practice my.

✓ I'm able to practice my skills.

The sentence is incomplete; add the noun 'skills' (or specific skill) to finish the sentence. 'I'm able to practice my' alone is a sentence fragment.